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  #11  
Old 01-10-2018, 01:49 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Revision posted.

Such a plethora of ideas, thank you! I am now swimming in thoughts on ways to breathe more life into the scene.

I liked Andrewís idea (and Johnís) of bringing more substance into the poem, more depth to the fox, so thatís what Iíve tried to do in the revision.

For now Iíve shied away from turning it into formal dimeter and instead have locked into a rhyme scheme.

Jan, I hope my backing away from the line allows you better access to this.

I again reformatted the lines and now am in quatrains, which I think give it more substance, less haiku-ness. Iíve added some punctuation.

I donít think it has much rhythm, which disappoints meÖ Though the scene should feel pensive. It has both movement and stillness. Itís just that the read is a bit abrupt to my ear.
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  #12  
Old 01-10-2018, 02:39 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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This has ended up (if it has ended up yet) taking an interesting form, Jim - two unrhymed lines, then a rhyming couplet. I like it.

I'm not sure about "the coming deep freeze" - it sounds slightly awkward to my ear, although it may be exactly what you're after.

And the current last line (in rev 2) feels like a bit of a letdown. Could you end with a greater sense of mystery? That would work well, I think, but it's easier said than done. Although you could ditch both of the last two lines - waits for the coast to clear is pretty much implied by he plots his next move anyway - and that gives you more room to work in.

Also, the title is a bit dull. Could you call it The Midmorning Fox? That's a bit more arresting, and it gives you a free adjective for the fox in the body of the poem.

Just a thought at twilight.

Cheers

David
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  #13  
Old 01-10-2018, 04:56 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Jim,

Unhelpfully, I'm going to disagree with David. I preferred where you were going with this in revision one, when the poem was more purely image led. I'm not keen on the anthropomorphism of S3, with 'plots' and particularly 'wild imagination' which just gives me unintentionally comic images of the fox as a Wile E Coyote character, mentally ordering Acme products to snare the chickens.

So subjective this stuff is, clearly. But I think you need to return to that feeling of how seeing the fox affected you, rather than trying to inhabit the fox's mind.

That's what I think.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 01-10-2018 at 05:57 PM.
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  #14  
Old 01-14-2018, 02:27 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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I'm stuck in a revolving door of revision... Posted.

I've lost what vision I had. So now I'm exercising.

Mark, I can't see the connection between my solitary fox weathering the winter storm and Wile E. Coyote plotting a cockamamie scheme, but then I'm not reading it I'm writing it . I chose "wild imagination" to imply animal/survival instinct. In fact, the genesis of the poem was something like "we do what we have to to survive". But as I said, I've lost it so am just flexing.

I've moved away from what became an unpleasant-sounding rhyme scheme to my ear for this particular poem (a/b/c/c) and it is now a more conventional a/b/c/b.
I like it better, but still recognize that the poem's message/content is going nowhere fast.

I added one more stanza to do what Mark suggested -- to return to that feeling of how seeing the fox affected me. In my own estimation it doesn't come close to what I think I was feeling at the time, but is instead something in substitute for that. As I said, at this point I'm just practicing...
x
x
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  #15  
Old 05-29-2018, 10:52 PM
Jason Ringler Jason Ringler is offline
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I like the rhyme of it
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  #16  
Old 05-30-2018, 04:07 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Jason,

I'm guessing you're trying to fulfill your '15 crits' minimum so you can start posting your own poems, which is understandable. Thing is, the sphere guidelines make it clear they should be 'substantial' crits, whereas yours are mostly along the lines of 'I like it' or 'nice rhymes'. Also you shouldn't really be bringing poem threads that are weeks or months old back to the top of the board as you do here and have been over on 'met' also. Readers' attention is drawn to the top of the board so this takes that attention away from more recently posted poems that haven't had a fair shot yet.

I'm not trying to be an arse, honestly.The whole workshop etiquette thing is confusing and nobody likes reading the instruction booklet when they have a new toy to play with. Michael Cantor told me off for the same thing three years ago, I remember it well ha.

Edit: I PMd Jason too, in case he doesn't see this. Sorry to be acting like a vigilante mod, Jayne, I couldn't help myself. :/

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 05-30-2018 at 05:13 AM.
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  #17  
Old 05-30-2018, 08:08 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Yes, I was wondering about the unseasonal reappearance of this winter fox too, but I think you've put your finger on the reason for it, Mark.

Although I was disappointed to see that Jim hadn't come back with a brilliant revision, no matter the time of year.
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  #18  
Old 05-30-2018, 10:19 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Well, now that it's been exhumed... Ha!

My revisions to it back then did little to give this beautiful fox I glimpsed that day it's due. Back you go, into the ground.

It reminds me of an unwritten Monty Python sketch where these blokes go to a graveyard to rob it and keep coming up empty-handed.

Anyway, Mark is right all the way around and besides, what could I possibly have done with such advice of Jason's?

Please let this go down!
Jayne! Prune it!
Straight down to the ground!

(Seriously Jason, you have to decide do you really want to be here?)
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  #19  
Old 05-31-2018, 04:42 PM
Jeanne Jeanne is offline
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Jim,

Your original version has the elegance and depth of a fine haiku. I would only delete "micro" and even the needless reference to the narrator. Also, watch that you don't repeat any grammatical structures such as two like prepositional phrases in a row.

I love the last two lines. (The fox --and we by indirect reference--wait with more than just one sense -- as in sniffing out what may come next.)
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  #20  
Old 05-31-2018, 06:59 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark McDonnell View Post
Sorry to be acting like a vigilante mod, Jayne, I couldn't help myself.
That's quite all right, Mark. In fact, thank you for stepping in (I've had other things to do this week, as you know! )

If anyone wishes to comment further on the poem please do so via a PM to Jim, rather than continuing to bump up this thread. Thank you.

Jayne
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