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Old 04-17-2018, 02:03 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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I have taken a number of Edward's suggestions in my revisions. "Renunciation" won't fit my line in S1L2, but I tried "renouncing" in place of "surrender." I also changed "a" to "the" before "bender" and substituted "savior" for "rescuer" and "a gasping" for "an aching." With "empty" I was trying to suggest the kind of lightness associated with weight rather than brightness. I have tried "weightless" to suggest that feeling of floating in empty space. I also read a suggestion of slightness or triviality in "Leichten," but I have to choose one meaning in English. I am glad to hear that the last line is working. It was the line that hooked me on translating the poem.

Susan
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Old 04-18-2018, 01:43 AM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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One final question, Susan. Is “revenges on others” as awkward and redundant in German as it is in English? It's the one other spot that I had reservations about. Of course, if it's in the original, there's not much you can do other than render it faithfully.

Otherwise, this is looking fine.
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Old 04-18-2018, 10:53 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Edward, I don't see "revenging on others" as being redundant. The revenge is not being done to the original perpetrators, but to others who are innocent of any wrong.

Susan
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