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  #11  
Old 05-23-2018, 03:25 PM
Johanna D. Johanna D. is offline
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Hi Jeanne,

I think Matt's suggestion of repeating "some" in the
final line is an excellent one. And Phil calling "noisily" redundant
also occurred to me. Otherwise a very enjoyable read as
expressed more often than not.

Johanna
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  #12  
Old 05-23-2018, 06:54 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Hi Jeanne, I think these lines have a good rhythm and sensitivity to the sound of words. However, the poem doesn't seem to say anything or go anywhere. I'd love to see poems you might be reluctant to show. I believe you have things to say, and special ways of saying them.
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  #13  
Old 05-24-2018, 09:23 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Jeanne,

I like this poem--it has a Sapphic intensity.

I would suggest compressing the opening and closing lines:

Instead of "Some nights will just not lie down"
simply
"Some nights will not lie down."

For the ending, I would suggest:

Some nights I have called this a curse.
Others, a wonder.
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  #14  
Old 05-24-2018, 01:34 PM
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Woody Long Woody Long is offline
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Jeanne —

For the finish, melding Matt's suggestion and Aaron's, & tweaking a bit:

...
Some nights, a curse.
Some nights, a wonder.


— Woody
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  #15  
Old 05-24-2018, 01:45 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Some nights I've called this curse a wonder ?? I'm not yet convinced about curse-- it's strong but common and feel it needs to be earned in some way. You know, even if I substitute "your death" or "your absence" or "you" (none of which I find particularly appealing or necessarily accurate) for "this curse," the poem lifts a little off the ground.
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  #16  
Old 05-27-2018, 08:25 PM
Jason Ringler Jason Ringler is offline
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I like the whole thing but the last two sentences really got me
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  #17  
Old 05-31-2018, 03:08 PM
Jeanne Jeanne is offline
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Post Thanks!

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful readings of this poem!

Mary, I would argue that the poem does go somewhere and that is back and forth between two states of mind -- wonder and annoyance (called "a curse" in this poem). I suggest a tension between these two, and the reader, upon rereading the poem, must look again and find in each either the one or other or both according to his/her own disposition. I opt for wonder, at least on good nights.
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  #18  
Old 05-31-2018, 06:51 PM
Stephen Hampton Stephen Hampton is offline
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Default Nice poem

[quote=Jeanne;416785]Some Nights

Some nights will just not lie down. Drop 'Just' I think.
For hours on end, the wind teases
leaves on the oaks outside
my window. Geese noisily announce
their arrival on the half-slumbering pond.
Insomniac crickets revel in their insomnia. Try Melodious crickets, or some such. and open with your poems last two lines like this

Some nights I have called this a curse.
Other nights I have called this a wonder.

on second thought I like Woody's sugestion

Some nights, a curse.
Some nights, a wonder.


all the best,
Stephen

Last edited by Stephen Hampton; 05-31-2018 at 06:55 PM. Reason: better idea
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  #19  
Old 06-01-2018, 11:36 PM
Jason Ringler Jason Ringler is offline
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I enjoyed your poem. You made me think about wind and oaks, crickets and geese. The last lines are good though I kinda dropped some of the words as I read it in my head just had it say cursed nights
Wonderous nights
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  #20  
Old 06-02-2018, 07:36 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Hi Jeanne,
I wanted to come back and comment again.
There is just not enough going on in the poem as written to give me much insight as to what you want to say. It's clearly a poem about the poet's inability to sleep due to the sounds of the nocturnal landscape. But I think your poem infers that some nights those same sounds are soothing. So my question is, what is the variable that determines "curse" from "wondrous"? I want to know more about both.

The geese are an interesting part of the poem (are you familiar with Mary Oliver’s poem “Wild Geese”?) Their squawking, honking sound can be maddening. The crickets’ sound sometimes reminds me of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”. It’s a sound that drills down in a torturous loop -- or not, depending on the ear of the beholder.

Go on. Tell me about the beholder. Tell me about the cursed nights. Tell me about about the wondrous nights. Tell me about the window.
x
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