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Old 05-25-2018, 08:39 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Default Festival

Festival

Headlamps on wet grass
spilled ink green light.
You were mud-caked and high,
vibrating in a transistor pulse.
I measured the blade of your hip
with a watchmaker's gaze,
ate a punnet of strawberries
tonguing seeds from my tooth,
tracing the thread of potential
to your buckled belt.
The air was warmer than blood
and tasted of fever and petrol
and the impossibility of dawn.
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Old 05-25-2018, 09:02 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Mark,

I especially like the punnet of strawberries. Nice work.

Cheers,
John
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Old 05-26-2018, 09:00 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is online now
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Mark,

I very much like this. I have to think more on some of the phrasing (though the last line and punnet of strawberries both jump out). I feel like this piece needs some space to breathe, and think you should space it out a bit. Maybe something like this:

Headlamps on wet grass
spilled ink green light.

You were mud-caked and high,
vibrating in a transistor pulse.

I measured the blade of your hip
with a watchmaker's gaze,

ate a punnet of strawberries
tonguing seeds from my tooth,

tracing the thread of potential
to your buckled belt.

The air was warmer than blood
and tasted of fever and petrol,

the impossibility of dawn.
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  #4  
Old 05-26-2018, 10:54 AM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Hi Mark, this sexy poem really brings me to the festival. Why not present tense? Also, why only one tooth? (That would be sad.)

tracing the thread of potential
to your buckled belt.


Sizzling!
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Old 05-26-2018, 01:26 PM
Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hi Mark,

This feels fresh, and I like the title. It's timely!

It's a strong start. I see the ink-green light, and I like the mud that comes soon afterwards. Then 'a watchmaker's gaze' works, for a slightly obsessive attention to detail. The strawberries are good too, though I agree with Mary that the N could have more than one tooth here. I think my favourite part is the description of the air with the blood, as I like imagining the reds of the blood and the strawberries. The 'impossibility of dawn' is intriguing; I'll spend more time thinking about that.

Best wishes,
Fliss

Edit: maybe 'a back tooth' rather than 'my tooth'?

Last edited by Felicity Teague; 05-27-2018 at 07:21 AM. Reason: To add a suggestion :-]
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Old 05-27-2018, 04:44 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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Reading this felt a bit like dogging. A vicarious thrill. But enjoyable, giving rise to a wry smile rather than a full-on "Phwoar!"

That's a British Festival, that is. The cars and the mud and the (overpriced and overripe) strawberries as a sort of spin-off from Wimbledon.

I got the idea of drink, or even herbal remedies having been taken, resulting in the extreme concentration on a single aspect of the poet's companion. The blade of the hip that fuzzes in my imagination into the provocation of hipster jeans (in the earlier sartorial sense) and the belt, the belt...

No, for me, this can't be in the present tense because of the dawn, which, despite its impossibility, came - and went. But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, bliss was it, in it, to be alive.
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:41 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Mark,

Your belt thoughts returned me to the mighty Chuck Berry:

Ridin' along in my calaboose
Still trying to get her belt unloose
All the way home I held a grudge
For the safety belt that wouldn't budge
Crusin' and playin' the radio
With no particular place to go

Cheers,
John
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Old 05-27-2018, 09:15 AM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Hi Mark,

Nice one.

As Mary said, I think you need to alter tooth to ''teeth''; I'd hate to think the N has only one!

I find ink green spoils the flow as those two consonants aren't easy to say together, without having to enunciate them both clearly. How about inky green light for a tad more smoothness?

Jayne
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Old 05-27-2018, 10:06 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I really can't see why people need teeth (so to speak). This poet's sensibilities are being caressed by the situation into the magnification of small things within the overall hazy-hallelujah experience. There's always one tooth that traps the seeds of soft fruit, no matter how careful you are, the one your tongue always reaches for and preoccupies itself with, the one you wish it wouldn't.

Trust me, I'm there...
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Old 05-27-2018, 11:25 AM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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That's all indeed very true, Annie, but it's just the ambiguity of my tooth that one can't help reading as my one (and only) tooth.

Even ''a tooth'' would remove that ambiguity, Mark.

Jayne
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