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  #21  
Old 06-11-2018, 02:16 PM
Woody Long's Avatar
Woody Long Woody Long is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Felicity Teague View Post
do you think 'with tears on her pale cheeks' would do, or is that a bit too simple?
I think smiles with tears invites the misreading that somehow the mother smiles by means of her tears. Also, the with construction has already been used in S1. Repeating it here seems pointless (If eyes were mentioned explicitly in S4 then with would be part of an echo, S4 echoing S1. But not so, as is.)

The mother smiles at this moment, because her mission has just been accomplished. So I would suggest ending S3 with a full stop and beginning S4 with Now.

...
of Durian trees.

Now her mother smiles
though tears glisten on her pale cheeks –
she has brought Su home.


incorporating another try on the tears.

There might be some possibilities along the lines of though tears stain/sting/x her pale cheeks.

I do believe that some emphasis should be put on the opposition of smiles and tears. The mother's mixed feelings at this moment are central to the poetic effect.

Once I understand the poem (orangutan etc.) I like it. Haiku or not, the poem is imagistic (with a message). The structure and length of the poem fit the image and the message to a t.

— Woody

Last edited by Woody Long; 06-11-2018 at 02:19 PM. Reason: clarification
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  #22  
Old 06-12-2018, 03:11 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hi Woody,

Many thanks for returning to this one. I forgot to revisit the poem before responding to your comment yesterday, hence 'with' again. Oops!

I really like your suggestions for the third and fourth stanzas. The word 'glistens' brings light into the poem, which is very appealing. I also like 'though', for your reasons. I've made the changes; thank you.

I'm pleased you like the poem. I haven't come across the word 'imagistic' before, so I shall read about that!

Best wishes,
Fliss
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