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  #31  
Old 08-11-2018, 11:25 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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I read the close as adding that touch of irony that affectionately pokes the foregoing sentiments. I feel like that is the essence of the poem.

Nemo
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  #32  
Old 08-11-2018, 02:02 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Oh good. I'm glad this one seems to have gone down well. But now to do justice to the responses ...

Aaron, thank you. You're right about L3, of course. Personally, I don't always insist on strict metre, in the odd line here or there, but it would be churlish of me not to acknowledge the problem and at least have a go at fixing it. I like your suggestions there, but I'll see if I can come up with anything else as well.

I do wonder, though, whether - metrically speaking - I would be better off leaving the trees unmodified and finding a word for the breeze instead. That seems to work better, metrically - for me, at least.

Incidentally, at that point - birds in the trees - has anybody else found themselves almost unconsciously adding "those deathless generations"? I didn't consciously have that in my mind when I was writing this, but it's occurred to me since then.

Thanks John. I didn't consciously (again) have it in my mind. The phrase just sounded pleasingly Moody and Sankey to me, putting it nicely (for me) in a sort of Methodist hymn-loving tradition, but of course you're right: it must have been there somewhere. I have it on vinyl: The Impressions' Big 16. I love the Impressions. (Re your map, politically speaking we are not in the United Kingdom. Or maybe we are just too small, geographically - not to mention politically - for that map.)

Mark, very pleased you like it. And I agree with you about the activities. As with Aaron, I like your suggestion, but I'll see what I can come up with myself too. And, in your second visit, you have expounded what I was trying to do there exactly. (As has Ann, I see.)

Thanks Simon. See above re Mark's comment. Does that work for you?

Andrew, thank you. I think Mark (a little further on) has done a great job of explaining the "looking through" idea. That's what I was trying to do, anyway.

Thanks Erik. Yes, trees and breeze have a long association. I'm not sure whether it helps that they are not end rhymes. Does it? Anyway, I very much like your Gulliver reference.

Ann, I too know Eden Rock, and like it a lot. I'm very pleased that you found some sort of resemblance there. As to Butlins itself, I was nine years old, and therefore not quite at the age of discretion. Actually, I almost remember the holiday best for my discovery of the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs. And the cheesy organ tunes in the Kon Tiki Hawaiian Bar (into which minors were permitted entrance in the hours of daylight)..

Rick, Nemo, Michael C, Michael F, Daniel, just thank you. Very much.

And thanks Jim. I'm very pleased you like it. Faith? Possibly something more along the lines of Whimsical What-Iffery, with a good dollop of Wouldn't-It-Be-Nicery. Still, if there is such an afterlife, I'm definitely up for it.

Justin, that's an interesting point you make. Let me think about that for a bit.

But, Nemo, I've just seen your latest comment, and I think that's exactly right.

Phew. Thank you all!

Cheers

David
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  #33  
Old 08-11-2018, 03:47 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Never mind, David. It's a very good poem and I wouldn't mess with it too much. At first I wasn't sure about the title, but it hits the right note, imo. Fine work.

Last edited by James Brancheau; 08-12-2018 at 12:51 AM.
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  #34  
Old 08-11-2018, 03:52 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David Callin View Post
Thanks Erik. Yes, trees and breeze have a long association. I'm not sure whether it helps that they are not end rhymes. Does it? Anyway, I very much like your Gulliver reference.
Right, it helps a lot that they are internal rather than end rhymes; as they would be more noticible by far vice-versa. When you hear just that pair by themselves in succession, I would fear myself that it still risks making the sound of an old cliche pair. So it made me wonder at least if there might be a fresher alternative out there. Then perhaps you do not want, which is fine, of course. At any rate, the nit is less palpable, in the midsts of so much excellence and in the sweep of what the reader readily admires; this being, as a whole, a brilliant poem!

Best,
Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 08-14-2018 at 02:06 AM.
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  #35  
Old 08-15-2018, 02:09 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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I hope it's not too late to say thanks to James, for the encouraging words, and to Erik for more, of them. Thanks, chaps, and thanks to all.

Hi-de-hi!

David
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