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  #21  
Old 08-14-2018, 08:13 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you very much. You have made explicit the very reason I feel this poem must be in my next book. Yes, I hope it is the direction America is going.

Ann, I have revised line 12 again at your encouragement. I have decided to make the tension explicit with a paradox:

Everywhere, he had flown here out of Delhi.

Whad'ya think?
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  #22  
Old 08-14-2018, 10:11 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hmn, maybe "omniscient" is better?

Soon as I shrugged and muttered, Well, okay,
a whole family gathered. One, a daughter,
cradled no dolly, no mere avatar,
but him, they clamored, him! Could I not see
the tusks, the trunk, the pudgy little belly?
Omniscient, he had flown here out of Delhi.

Or

Soon as I shrugged and muttered, Well, okay,
a whole family gathered. One, a daughter,
cradled no dolly, no mere avatar,
but him, they clamored, him! Could I not see
the tusks, the trunk, the pudgy little belly?
Everywhere, he had flown here out of Delhi.

Or maybe the Hindi "deva" for "god"?

Soon as I shrugged and muttered, Well, okay,
a whole family gathered. One, a daughter,
cradled no dolly, no mere avatar,
but him, they clamored, him! Could I not see
the tusks, the trunk, the pudgy little belly?
The deva'd flown here all the way from Delhi.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 08-14-2018 at 10:14 AM.
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  #23  
Old 08-14-2018, 12:31 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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I'm not sure Ganesha is omniscient. That's often a Judaeo-Christian thing. I like deva. :-)

Cheers,
John
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  #24  
Old 08-14-2018, 01:49 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Yes, "deva." No, not "omniscient"--and that's beside the point, anyway.
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  #25  
Old 08-14-2018, 05:13 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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I just realized that all your religion poems are communal and inclusionary, much as Jim noted. I'm kind of slow. Anyway, that seems really nice.

Cheers,
John
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  #26  
Old 08-17-2018, 04:53 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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Hi Aaron,

I’ve seen this one before and liked it. Now I like it even more. It’s a delightful poem. I’m kind of late to the party, though, so don’t have anything to say, except, again, I enjoyed it.

I like the way poem flows. I especially like the last two lines. In A. Sterling’s poem there is a chiasmus. And now in yours I see two of them, both near the end.

What they possessed was what possessed them.
and
They were home, and I, a guest, observed, from my own land, their festival.

This one is a bit more complex, but it boils down to this (step by step):

they were home ... I (a guest) from my land (observed) their festival.

they ... home ... I ... land (home) ... their (they)

they ... home ... I ... home ... they

There is one little thing, now that I think about it. L3: I wonder if you need a comma after “chattered.”

I like how the moon plays a roll in this, first urgent, later satisfied. I can feel that water and hear the family splashing.
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  #27  
Old 08-17-2018, 05:52 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you very much for your close reading, Martin. I have tried to build parallels on a number of levels as you point out.

I mean to say that the "tenor chattered" (that) "the moon was urgent. . ." I hope that is the grammar that comes through.

Best,

Aaron
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  #28  
Old 08-17-2018, 07:14 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron Poochigian View Post
I mean to say that the "tenor chattered" (that) "the moon was urgent. . ." I hope that is the grammar that comes through.
Yes, I could read it that way. So I take back my little nit.
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