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  #11  
Old 06-13-2018, 11:29 AM
John Riley John Riley is online now
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I watched "Tokyo Story" again the other night and this reminds of that. There is that climactic scene when the daughter still at home says to the committed ex-daughter-in-law that life is disappointing and after a pause, the daughter-in-law, who is older, says "Yes, it is." I have no argument with Uzo and none with this poem.

My only hitch is I want to add hyphens between the number words. I'm probably missing some grammar rule. I guess I'm so used to seeing hyphens separating written out number words.

Enjoyed.
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2018, 01:52 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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It's really good, Jan. And sad. Moving and powerful.

I am reminded - not at all unwillingly - of the Great Les's The Rollover, although the tone of your poem is much starker.

I actually like Ann's suggestion about the ending.

Great title too.

Cheers

David
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  #13  
Old 06-14-2018, 06:29 PM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Thank you John

Thank you David

I am glad it had something for you.

Regards,

Jan
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  #14  
Old 06-16-2018, 12:13 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is online now
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Hi Jan,

I just wanted to add to the praise, really. This is very moving. The way the numbers build up makes the weight of time palpable, unbearable. The line about the bath hit me: this speaker has done his best, done everything he can. And still it comes to this.

Powerful. Thanks for the poem.
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  #15  
Old 06-17-2018, 09:40 PM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Thank you Mark,

It is the cancerous sense of futility.

Regards,

Jan
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