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  #51  
Old 06-18-2018, 12:46 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Erik, Fliss, Aaron,

Erik: I think your rhymed versions are lovely. But on balance, I feel that they are your creations, not mine, so I'll just have to stick with what I've got. I do think you have two fun new poems in consequence!
Fliss: yes, it is a good film. It certainly stayed with me. I think there's a malevolent leprechaun movie as well, though I've not seen it. And yes, i do use semicolons in lists. :-)
Aaron: I agree, this is a light piece, but I do think it's getting tighter. I like your thoughts on scansion, and have edited the close as you suggest. I also like "I didn't feed the cat" because it reflects the N's inability to take responsibility. That darn god stopped me feeding the cat again!

Revision posted.

Cheers, thank you all,
John
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  #52  
Old 06-18-2018, 03:15 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is online now
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Hi John,

The sense of your original idea of having various 'candidates' for your mischievous god in the cafe seems to have been lost here:

'He comes,

not clothed like Zeus in awe, but with
a friend I wasn't looking at'

This just reads like the god is in the cafe with a friend that you weren't looking at, and it's unclear whether this is your friend or the god's. It seems muddled compared to the original which, although I had issues with its liveliness, was at least clear.

Is there any reason why 'His work is done' is now 'his labor spent'? The original seems better. Funnier. Rather than amusingly self-satisfied, your god here sounds exhausted.
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  #53  
Old 06-18-2018, 03:26 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Mark,

And thank you for your useful thoughts. I went for spent as a half-rhyme with hint, but I agree, "His work is done" is much better. I have yet to end a class saying "My work here is done", but that remains my personal goal.

I have two candidates left for the incarnation, but I agree, it's less clear than it was. I like the clear IP of "a friend I wasn't looking at", rhyming as it does with "cat", but may just give up on that.

Thanks,
John

Update: problems possibly solved.

Last edited by John Isbell; 06-18-2018 at 03:31 AM.
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  #54  
Old 06-18-2018, 07:20 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is online now
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John,

I'm still confused by the 'with' here

He comes,

not clothed like Zeus in awe, but with
a friend nobody's looking at


He comes...with a friend?

I thought the idea was that the god may incarnate himself into some unremarkable human sitting in the cafe. Here, it sounds like the god is there in his 'godlike' form (whatever that might be) and he has brought a friend with him. Surely that's not what you mean?
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  #55  
Old 06-18-2018, 08:34 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Mark,

Maybe "by / a friend" would resolve your difficulty? I mean that he blends in, he's just one in a small group nobody's paying attention to.
If the friend needs to go, that would be option B. I do think it's now clear the friend is his, not my N's.

Cheers,
John
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  #56  
Old 06-18-2018, 01:16 PM
Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hi John,

I hope you're having a pleasant time in Warsaw <(:-)

I'll look out for the malevolent leprechaun movie too. In the meantime, I'm not sure about 'A' or 'a' to start all three lines of the first stanza in the latest version, but I can't remember what it looked like before. Was it anything like Mark's suggestion in #29? (Sorry; I'm a bit tired after today's head-trips, as usual!)

I'd thought that the small god would be 'in' rather than 'with' someone too. I'm intrigued to read that he might be part of a small group. I think, why not? A small god in a small group. I like that.

Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #57  
Old 06-18-2018, 02:58 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Fliss,

A very interesting time in Warsaw. And the Old Town is impressive.
A had been my, which I can certainly go back to.
Yup, the deity appears to be hanging with a friend.

Cheers,
John
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