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  #21  
Old 06-15-2018, 09:38 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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I had the same tree concerns as well, but stifled them. Thanks.
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  #22  
Old 06-15-2018, 10:29 AM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Redwoods are coastal. They like the ocean fog.
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  #23  
Old 06-15-2018, 09:33 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Bill. I was thinking of Redwood Canyon: http://www.fresyes.com/outdoors-2/re...yon-hart-loop/

Should I say "sequoias" instead?
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  #24  
Old 06-16-2018, 11:33 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello,

I have revised "Redwoods" to "Sequoias" in section for the sake of precision of diction. Thank you, Bill.

I have also revised the penultimate sentence in section 3 to address Matt's concerns.

Thank you,

Aaron
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  #25  
Old 06-18-2018, 03:46 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Thanks for your response, Aaron. Glad for the reference to Redwood Canyon Park. I couldn't tell from the article if there are actually redwoods in addition to sequoias, but it doesn't matter. The grandeur of the sequoias can't be exaggerated. No doubt you know that Fresno is Armenian Central in California. My high school history teacher was from there. He owned an "ammon" ranch, as they say down there. The chair of my law firm in SF was from their too.

O/T, have re-started Mr. Either/Or. Phenomenally rich and delightful for this long-time HK movie fan -- that's Hong Kong, not Heckler & Koch!
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  #26  
Old 06-18-2018, 06:58 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Glad you are enjoying "Mr. Either/Or," Bill. Yes, I live in my ancestral Poochigian homeland in Fresno. I am impressed with how well you know the town.

Best,

Aaron

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-18-2018 at 07:00 PM.
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  #27  
Old 06-19-2018, 01:14 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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That's great, Aaron. So you're a westerner now. I haven't spent much time in Fresno, but my wife's sister spent most of her adult life there, raising two kids. You're not too far from Yosemite, Sequoia Nat. Monument, and King's Canyon. The Promised Land! I'd secede too!
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  #28  
Old 06-19-2018, 02:01 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Hi Aaron,

Just realised that I've commented on bits of this, and not the whole thing. So, I know nothing of Calexit and first heard of it in the comments here, nonetheless the poem works very well for me, I like the development, and I can see the hero returning to some pre-America, or entering some non-America of the wilderness -- or even just realising that the America that vexes him is an idea, as the real of the wilderness slowly takes hold. It's grown on me the more I've read it, and I like it a lot. Nicely done.

On the subject of rhyme:

Swinging the ukulele
dangling from his shoulder
round to the front, he regales the

would give you a full rhyme with 'ukulele' unless you're pronouncing it differently from me.

best,

Matt
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  #29  
Old 06-19-2018, 05:08 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Yes, Bill, I am a westerner. I live in my grandparents' old house (they have passed away) and just write. I've saved up some money and am living off that and some poetry profits.

Thank you for coming back, Matt.

In that final section I rhyme "ukulele" with "shaly" above" and "regales" with "snails" below. I got the word "shaley" from Hardy:

A ghost-girl-rider. And though, toil-tried,
He withers daily,
Time touches her not,
But she still rides gaily
In his rapt thought
On that shagged and shaly
Atlantic spot,
And as when first eyed
Draws rein and sings to the swing of the tide.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-19-2018 at 05:11 PM.
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