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Old 06-25-2018, 01:31 PM
Edward Zuk's Avatar
Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Surrey, Canada
Posts: 641

Hi John,

I hope you won’t mind another comment. I like this—it’s subtle and the slight archaisms create the voice of an older man taking stock of his life. The poetic echoes suggest a poet acknowledging and taking stock of his influences.

I don’t like the present ordering of the stanzas, though: it seems like the conclusion comes at the beginning, which doesn’t let the poem build. I hope you won’t mind my presenting a possible reordering with some fussing about typos and adding / taking out punctuation:

I am a blind man, sniffing at the air.
I hear the wild dogs snuffling as I pass.
The hurrying people do not care to care.
I hear them in the rustllng of the grass[.]

The inconsistencies just grow and grow.
I have the understanding of a child[ ]
who listens to the croaking of a crow[ ]
Perched on a branch, above the forest wild.

Where has it gone, the radiance and the laughter?
Where have they gone[,] the coruscating years?
It's little that I have, but what comes after?
I am a prey to nameless hopes and fears.

Nothing, or very little, do I know
Of time, of earth, and of oblivion.
[They] flicker past me, like a picture show
Of ladies in a silk pavilion.
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