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Old 07-04-2017, 08:13 PM
Ken Brownlow Ken Brownlow is offline
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Location: by the river
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Default Yesterday at the Plaza

Every few weeks I meet my brother in there for a catch up
this time I’d gone in early to do some shopping beforehand
little realising that a series of personal interactions was about to occur which would leave me totally disillusioned
and somewhat fearful.

The cup of tea was perfect, as if they’d drawn the water from my well. The slice of cake, exquisite right down to the last. Made that morning like the newspaper someone had left on the table beside me.
The genuinely pleasant waiter with her starlight smile had me feeling as though I belonged in that small eatery.
What’s her game; I wondered.

The checkout man in k mart split my $50 note into two with his thumb-nail then handed one back to me with my change.
How dare he make my day.

A toddler heavily engaged with a popsicle looked over my way, smiled, then gave me a droopy open fingered wave:
well of course I waved back, I’m not a complete ogre.

A jovial conversation with a fat lady about seating arrangements was the last straw; I went and bought a pack of cigarettes hoping to arrest the decline.

But the day got better.

Smoking is prohibited everywhere in the plaza so me and the bro ended up hunkered down in the underground carpark in his van; by the number of clouded windscreens there, it looked like a right proper den of inequity.
So we coughed and spluttered witticisms about how people won’t take responsibility for their own health and wellbeing.
Smokey tears of laughter rolled down our cheeks.

Back home last evening I fell into a deep sleep and woke this morning feeling completely refreshed and invigorated.

Now I’m really starting to worry.

Last edited by Ken Brownlow; 07-06-2017 at 08:47 PM.
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Old 07-21-2017, 01:17 AM
Matthew Minor's Avatar
Matthew Minor Matthew Minor is offline
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Default

The punctuation was barbaric to say the least, but the message is intact and crystal clear -- a task many struggle with.

The ending felt weak and contrived, though I liked the message contained; perhaps a powerful couplet could lend a hand with power.

Your beginning could also 'set the scene' better:
this time I’d gone in early to do some shopping beforehand
many of the words seem completely unnecessary, and has an object of scale/scope undefined

I went in [undefined object] for shopping
I came early to shop...

Keep with it. I know nicotine withdrawal is tough.

Last edited by Matthew Minor; 07-21-2017 at 01:22 AM. Reason: spellllighig errooorrr
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Old 07-21-2017, 07:22 PM
Ken Brownlow Ken Brownlow is offline
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Mathew, thanks a bunch for coming in on this one, I was beginning to look forward to the July prune.

Apologies for the punctuation, ‘barbaric’ made me smile, thank you.
I am pleased you think the piece has merit despite the weak close.

Instead of dumping it entirely I’ll put it away for a while and look at it again later with your comments in mind.

Cheers
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