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05-04-2016, 12:56 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 6,667
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Erik, I think this is a worthwhile entry for this comp. The Oldie is getting more selective with its winners and demands a bit more poetic imagination these days and this would fit their bill.
But I'm not sure about that word "pedals". (Maybe because I'm having trouble with it myself at the moment in the context of a different poem!). I can't help thinking you mean "petals" ie bits of flowers, and if so perhaps morning should be "mourning" - ie grief for the loss of the serviceman.
But, if I have got the wrong idea entirely and you wish I'd stop being an irritating pedant, the phrase you're looking for is "bugger off".
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05-04-2016, 01:16 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2,150
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Ann,
In fact, I meant to have "mourning petals", but a mistaken spelling somehow escaped my notice. Sometimes my spell-checker sees a phrase like "mourning petals" and thinks I must have meant "morning petals" due to its contextual reference bank; sometimes this causes a mistaken correction I miss when my attention is divided among other things at the time. So thank you much for your comment.
Best,
Erik
Last edited by Erik Olson; 05-04-2016 at 01:49 AM.
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05-04-2016, 04:34 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 12,945
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I think it's a nice poem, Erik, but I don't care for the word 'viewed' in line 4. It has a slightly archaic feel about it and it is too obviously there to rhyme. IMO of course.
Last edited by John Whitworth; 05-04-2016 at 02:54 PM.
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05-04-2016, 01:28 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2,150
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Hi, John. I hear you, I was least sure about "viewed" myself, so I am evaluating several alternatives. Thanks.
Last edited by Erik Olson; 05-04-2016 at 05:07 PM.
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05-05-2016, 03:45 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2,150
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Ring (correct)
Our floating fortress bid bells rudely cry.
No church's silver toll that stills the mind,
We dash on deck, and lift guns bravely blind;
Straight, a shot's thunder breaks the frozen sky.
War proves a cycle: time revolves thus round
The dear remembrance of soft wedding bells
And the shrill horn, its stubborn anthem swells
As left and right, the volleys' bursts rebound.
I often wish to hear no brass again
That wears your ear and echoes war’s alarms,
But those that sing when sailors meet the arms
Of sweethearts and the shore receives her men.
Bells ring should I hold purple blooms and medals,
Or come home bathed with white and mourning petals.
g
Last edited by Erik Olson; 05-16-2016 at 12:54 AM.
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05-09-2016, 12:30 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: England
Posts: 188
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I'm not sure how flexible The Oldie comps are regarding form.
Most go for metrical rhyming, and I suppose they must be the ones most likely to do well, but I hope other forms and styles aren't excluded.
My idea for The Ring - taken a bit literally - fits into the ghazal.
Three maidens cavort in the Rhine; they guard their gold, possess no magic ring.
An ugly dwarf sacrifices love for gold, is beguiled to forge a magic ring.
The Gods’ judgement on sibling incest results in a warrior daughter lost.
Asleep atop a fiery rock, she craves mortal love above a magic ring.
A witless, fearless hero slays a dragon, learns the songs of forest birds.
A waking kiss, love, deceit, fire and death; who now will lust for a magic ring?
Riding Pegasus to Valhalla, I seek the Gods, or gold, or maiden.
No Wagnerian thing can I find to sate my desires, don’t crave a magic ring.
I ogle maidens cavorting in the Rhine, showing me their glittering gold.
Driven by lust, I lose all for jewelled kisses, evermore covet a magic ring.
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05-09-2016, 03:04 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 12,945
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Sorry Alan. Does anyone else remember Bugs Bunny as Brunnhilde with yellow plaits and a stupendous bed?
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05-09-2016, 03:17 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Suffolk
Posts: 1,245
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I sent off a Wagner Ring poem a couple of days ago, but I'm not posting it because I've caught Brian's paranoia. Wish I'd seen Bugs Bunny.
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05-09-2016, 04:39 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: England
Posts: 188
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylvia Fairley
I'm not posting it because I've caught Brian's paranoia.
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There's no Brian in this thread(?)
And no cause for paranoia, anyway, Bug Bunny or not.
Or is there? Should I, still a newbie, be worried?
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05-09-2016, 11:14 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6,761
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