[John Beaton]

Miss Communication

You’d think a man like William Clinton
would guard his image and look righteous
during his presidential stint on
public display inside the White House.

I had a chat with his Chief of Staff;
we skirted round his impropriety,
but I learned that Bill’s allotted chef
couldn’t make the grade in gourmet society.

So now I when take a closer look,
I believe I’ve demystified the mystery -
Bill said “Monica, sack my cook.”
and, as we know, the rest is history.

[This message has been edited by John Beaton (edited July 25, 2002).]

[John Beaton]

Many Happy Returns

The road-building crew
was working along
as working men do
and singing a song

when Milligan sallied
up looking for work;
"If you don't shilly-shally
I'll try you, you jerk.

"White-line what we’ve laid -
we’ll see how you brush:
three days – you’ll get paid
or get the bum's rush."

So Milligan crowed
throughout the first day
in a middle-of-the road,
off-key kind of way,

till knocking-off came
and the foreman's smiles
said "Man, there's no shame
in painting two miles."

The next day doddered
by happily
as Milligan murdered
"The Rose of Tralee",

but the foreman frowned,
not a smile nor a laugh,
"You're losing your ground,
man, it's barely a half!"

Then Milligan tottered
when day three was over
although he had slaughtered
"I've Been A Wild Rover";

“Just four hundred yards!"
an incredulous whistle,
"I'll lay down the cards,
it's time for dismissal.

"But why start so boldly
then diddley-squat?"
"'Tis now an ungodly
jog back to the pot!"

[This message has been edited by John Beaton (edited July 25, 2002).]

[John Beaton]

One-upmanship

Jock the Rock was lifting slabs
when “pop!” his shoulder dislocated;
he felt the pain in short sharp jabs
but hid it bravely as he waited

for treatment at Emergency.
A doctor finally did appoint
a helper. “Nurse De Sade, please see
to re-engaging this man’s joint.”

Nurse De Sade began to twist
and thrust and tug his throbbing arm
which made Jock scream and use his fist
to bite upon. She said with charm:

“My sister bore a child that weighed
eleven pounds with no chagrin,
you great big sissy!” “Aaaargh!” he brayed
“They werena’ pushing hers back in!”

[Jim Hayes]

Bad Habit

A fellow turns to his Irish buddy to say;
“I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey”
“How come?” his friend asked. “Every Saturday
I drink a fifth and now it’s getting risky;

for I start singing and arguing and chasing ass,
fighting the English and making love to my wife,
then wake up Sunday morning and go to Mass”
“What’s wrong with that?— I’ve done it all me life”;

“Well that indeed may suit the likes of you--
it doesn't sit too well when you're a Jew”.

Jim Hayes

[Jim Hayes]

Double Trouble

A young man sat in an Irish bar in Boston
another came in and said “How d'ye do”
The first man said “Hey barkeep! anither one
an’ give me friend from Ireland a whiskey too.

Where are yez from?" “Begorr I hails from Clare”
“Be Saint Patrick, I comes from that very place—
an' which town would it be?” “Tis near Adare”
“I knows it well, hey barkeep, anither brace.

Tell me now, do ye know O’Connell Street?"
“Know it?, sure I was born there an' raised”
“Bejaypers ‘tis a miracle that we should meet
I was born there meself, the saints be praised”.

The barkeep sighed— the circumstance was plain;
The Reilly twins were getting drunk again.

Jim Hayes

P.S.
A horse supped a drink in the usual place
and the bartender said "Hey, why the long face?"




[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited July 26, 2002).]

[Robt_Ward]

I snuck a gaze inside the proffered crib,
and there it was, shaped like a musical clef,
an ear, sans heart, sans lung, sans spine, sans rib.
"What could be worse?" I cried. He told me. "It's deaf."

Speaking from the peanut gallery, deaf ain't that bad...

jejeje ™

(robt)

[Roger Slater]

Robt, being deaf might not be that bad for an actual person with a face and body and a brain, but for an ear it's probably a major inconvenience. I take it from the jejeje (trademarked, no less!) that you didn't mind, but let me know if I'm wrong. The jokes here often go close to a line, but I'd hate for any of them to go over. Glad to see you've been reading along.

Bob

[Robt_Ward]

Oh, GAWD no, I am cracking up...

(robt)

[Jim Hayes]

Natal Attraction.

The storm is raging, night winds lash the door;
Reilly’s wife begins to have their baby;
Reilly himself is pacing the kitchen floor,
the power goes off the midwife calls him; “Maybe

ye’d mind to hold this lantern here for me”.
The child's delivered—“Praise be, a strapping boy”
says Reilly, the midwife cuts in urgently;
“Would ye hold the lantern close ye’ve got more joy”.

Soon she delivers a beautiful baby daughter;
“Ye’ve a full set Mikey now”, O’Reilly heard.
“Thanks be..” The midwife cuts in again; “Ye oughter
come closer with that lantern— here’s a third”.

“Begorr” says Reilly, “D’ye think a’tall it might
be possible they’re attracted be the light?”

Jim Hayes



[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited July 27, 2002).]

[Jim Hayes]

Coming Second

Grogan sees some condoms are being sold
a newly introduced ‘Olympic’ brand
in differing colors— silver bronze and gold
“Begorr” says Grogan “She will like those grand”.

He buys a pack and tells her what he’s done,
she coyly asks which one he’ll use that night,
“Of course”, says Grogan “There is only one,
the gold—‘tis guaranteed it will excite”.

“Could ye wear the silver” says she “And arrange
it so that ye came second fer a change?”

Jim Hayes