[Roger Slater]

This one doesn't have a single "punchline," but it's based on a joke I found online:


CORPORATE EXERCISE PROGRAM

I pulled some strings.
I pushed my luck.
I shot the breeze.
I passed the buck.

I jumped to conclusions.
I ran down the boss.
I stretched the truth.
I mounted a loss.

I climbed the ladder.
I emptied my plate.
I dragged my feet.
I threw my weight.

I crunched the numbers.
I suffered fools.
I waded through papers.
I bent the rules.

I flew off the handle.
I snuffed out a flame.
I trimmed the fat.
I dodged the blame.



[This message has been edited by Roger Slater (edited July 09, 2002).]

[Roger Slater]

I posted this already, but I did a slight edit so I'll post it again:


SECRET SERVICE

Someone pissed out "FUCK GEORGE" in the snow
that blanketed the White House lawn and so

the President called in the FBI
to tell him who it might have been, and why.

"What we have found may strike you as somewhat zany.
The urine, however, belongs to Richard Cheney.

Another thing of which we can be sure is
the penmanship. We're sorry, sir. It's Laura's."

[Jim Hayes]

Clockwork

Mrs Reilly, Hogan and Murphy were having a chat;
Mrs Reilly said, “The biggest problem for me,
was that I woke each morning at seven and sat
for twenty minutes trying to have a pee”.
Mrs Hogan said the problem for her was worse
and at her age there was no hope for improvement;
she woke each morning at eight it was a curse
to sit and wait an hour for a bowel movement.
Mrs Murphy says at seven she pees like a horse
and every morning craps like a cow at eight;
the others say that to them she sounds of course
as though her bodily functions are working great.
“Well I do agree they seem to be working fine
my problem is I never wake up till nine”.

Jim Hayes



[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited July 10, 2002).]

[Roger Slater]

FLY IN THE SOUP


"Waiter, can you tell me why
my soup contains a dirty fly?"
"The cook ran out of clean ones, sir."

"Waiter, I don't care to see
an insect in my soup!" Said he:
"There's one way to avoid that. Stir!"

[Kevin Andrew Murphy]

The Holy Water Font

Four nuns all stood. Each shed a tear
And cried, “We must confess
Our awful sins, oh Father dear–
Forgive us and God bless!”

The first nun cried, “I’ve been so bad!
Forgive me when I say
I chanced to see a naked lad
And didn’t look away!”

The Father spoke: “This was unwise
Yet still you can be shriven.
Go to the font and bathe your eyes
And all will be forgiven.”

The next nun cried, “This naked lad,
His manhood was so grand,
I must confess, I simply had
To touch it with my hand!”

“Heaven forbid!” the Father swore.
“That’s quite a sin, my daughter.
Yet take that hand, and as before,
Wash it with holy water.”

The fourth nun then turned to the third:
And asked, “Mind if I cut?
I’ll gargle, but from what we’ve heard,
You’re going to wash your butt.”

[David Anthony]

Carol, here are tidier versions of a couple of my poems.
Regards,
David

Bearing the News

She heard the sound of banging at the door.
“Are you the Widow Murphy?” Jimmy cried.
“They call me Mrs Murphy, that’s for sure,
but no, I ain’t no widow,” she replied.
Says Jim, “That may have been a fact before,
but take a look what’s on me cart outside.”

To Die For

Aunt Bessie has a talent: when she bakes,
the flavour drives you wild. My cousins say
that Uncle Tim, a regular gourmet,
married her for love - of chocolate cakes.

Poor Timothy was feeling far from well –
in fact, was on his deathbed - when the scent
of baking half-revived him. Off he went
to find the source of that seductive smell.

Each step was painful as he tottered down
to taste the treat. At last his feeble hand
grasped hungrily. Bess slapped it sharply, and
dismissed him with an irritated frown:

“Clear off to bed, and put the buns back too.
I made them for the funeral, not for you.”

[Tim Murphy]

BOYS AND GIRLS: It's official. John Mella, who has done more to keep the art of light verse alive than anyone in our depressing times, has offered us forty pages in the Autumn Light Quarterly. Light is a family magazine with a lot of elderly subscribers, so there will be no profanity, and some of our raciest, funniest poems will be absent.

Congratulations to all of you who have made this amazing book come together. With this impressive publication credit forthcoming, I shall immediately pursue publication of Classic Jokes, The Unexpurgated Version.

[Roger Slater]

Tim, that's fabulous news! What a coup! And we all have you to thank for conceiving the idea and making it happen. And thanks as well to Carol!

I know what you mean about Light being a "family" magazine, but one of my poems that they accepted recently, "Transvestite Sonnet," was somewhat on the dirty side although it does not use any swear words. (I'm pretty sure I posted it in Rhymed Repartee --check out page 5--if anyone's interested in seeing a level of smut that passed muster at Light).

Once again, thanks so much!

[This message has been edited by Roger Slater (edited July 09, 2002).]

[Tim Murphy]

You're welcome, Roger. I've never had more fun in the po biz. I've also never been afforded 40 pages in a really fine magazine. Carol and John Mella will work on layout. She and I will make a very generous selection, say fifty-five of the seventy-five keepers we have so far. John retains final editorial say over submissions. This is an extraordinary coup for the Sphere and for our many gifted contributors. Thanks again to everyone.

[RCL]

Bravo Tim, Carol, and all contributors!

Cheers,

------------------
Ralph