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  #21  
Unread 10-02-2019, 08:49 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Hi Simon,

I don't read this as unrequited love, nor as a demeaning thinly-veiled lust, but as a rich and complex love. It IS sing-songy and a bit cliche in places, in accord with its own self-crit, but has a touch nonetheless. I like the sing-songiness in the beginning to match the child's unknowing.

A couple metrically problematic lines: "but your voice left me feeling high" and "Iím happiest when where you are." One key to fixing the latter might be using the enjambment between stanzas again.

I see the "charm your clothes off" as crass and playful, not a summary of all the speaker's ever wanted. Clearly they are and have been good friends. Both desires (for agape, for eros) exist side by side commonly. The tension in and between them within the poet and the tension between all that and the other person -and the same tensions within the other person are very very fertile ground for poetry.

"No hex for bra or heart". Speaker's not purely physical, but that's a lot of weight to put on this one line.

"today, tomorrow, and the past" -something unsettling to me about the order of time presented here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

That's it for now. Hope this helps somehow.
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  #22  
Unread 10-02-2019, 11:15 AM
Simon Hunt Simon Hunt is offline
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Thank you, Mark, John, Mark, John, and Daniel!

John and Mark--I appreciate your sustained attention here. Tinkering is afoot, and I will have a next revision soonish. John's last gets pretty well what I was going for in the original ending, and I think I may just keep it. I also think I have to let go of Lorenz Hart, as it were, because I can't bring myself to the Hart/heart rhyme. I do think it was a great idea, though.

Daniel--Thank you! Both those lines are metrically regular for me, though... Lots to think about in your other points, and I'm thinking...
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  #23  
Unread 10-02-2019, 11:19 AM
Simon Hunt Simon Hunt is offline
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2nd revision posted. Some small changes (thanks, especially, to Mark this time...) and a bag of italics busted open.
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  #24  
Unread 10-02-2019, 11:40 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hey Simon!

Ok, I'm coming around to the ending. The italics really help there, they give more of the sense that the speaker knows the literal meaning of the phrase, of course, but wants to dig deeper into its implications and subtleties. If that makes sense. The 'but your voice left me feeling high' line felt perfectly iambic tet to me because I naturally heard 'your' stressed, as a contrast to the speaker's singing voice which has just been disparaged. But the italics make it clearer, I suppose.

I like what you did with the 'tart' line. You didn't need Lorenz after all haha.

Good changes. Good poem.
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  #25  
Unread 10-02-2019, 06:52 PM
Simon Hunt Simon Hunt is offline
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Cheers, Mark.

Cheers, everybody. I'm not sure I'm done with this yet, and I'd be happy to have more feedback...

But this may have run its course, and I feel my usual flood of gratitude for the community and the feedback I find here. I won't claim too much, but I do feel this poem--like so many--has gotten better for the work others have put into it here, so...

THANK YOU!
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