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  #11  
Unread 08-12-2019, 08:15 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Jim.

I will revise to the plural "pecs" at your suggestion.

I have also added a line to the penultimate stanza to smooth the transition:

"but. . .kismet, curses, nemesis, life-lines"

Thanks,

Aaron
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  #12  
Unread 08-16-2019, 08:09 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Aaron,

This sprightly narrative is arresting from start to end. This is virtuosically rhymed, yet more seamlessly so than showily. The meter is basically impeccable, excepting for these few small dents that were by far the exception. While you are more than capable of coming up with your own emendations, of course, these solutions suggested themselves to me as possible with minimum to do. Take or leave.
You have fed her bottle after bottle
and read the warning signs—the squirm, the glottal,
I would prefer if the feminine rhyme bottle fell on a tenth and eleventh syllables as the subsequent end-rhyme glottal does. For instance:
Yes, you have fed her bottle after bottle
and read the warning signs—the squirm, the glottal,
I qualify, though, that this is rather a matter of absolute preference than anything fatal. The following line read as a tetrameter to me:
wiped her face | and washed | a pla | stic bib.
Nit averted if it were
Yes, you have even tried to serve up Gerber
Carrot Sweet Potato Pea Banana,
and wiped | her face | and washed |a pla | stic bib.
In any event, I reckon that the rhetorical trope common in literature and common-parlance polysyndeton—repetition of conjunctions in close succession as in ‘we have ships and men and money’—would be apt here, lending itself as it does to a feeling of multiplicity, energetic enumeration, and building up.
It appears that the line is whole but for one foot here:
she is too young yet? Her little throat
Perhaps:
she is too young as yet? Her little throat
An extra two, I think, are in:
gets all choked up. I mean, it feels like violence,
That said, is ‘I mean’ necessary to complete the sense? In my humble opinion, it would suffice—
gets all choked up. It feels like violence
→ See added suggestion at bottom. The verse—
New York One is showing images—
is short a syllable; further, I confess I am not sure how the final successive trochees would be mimetic. I might suggest this or the like:
New York One is broadcasting images.
(Or for assonance, 'New York One is transmitting images.')

You have quite a lot here, yet after having gone through with a fine-tooth comb, I have only the above nitpicks to mention at all. Among other things, I especially appreciate the hearty and jaunty tone of these verses. Much enjoyed.

Best,
Erik

Added later: It occured to me that you can keep 'I mean' and 'she is too young yet?' this way if you wish:
she’s too young yet? I mean, her little “Maybe
she’s yet too young? I mean, her little throat
gets all choked up; it feels like violence,
torture, to leave her screaming.”
If you can suffer the violence of the enjambment that is.

Last edited by Erik Olson; 08-17-2019 at 03:58 AM.
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  #13  
Unread 08-17-2019, 07:38 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Erik, thank you for your thorough critique and suggestions.

I have taken many of them.

I will go with your:

Yes, you have even tried to serve up Gerber
Carrot Sweet Potato Pea Banana,
and wiped her face and washed a plastic bib.

You're right--polysyndeton is the way to go.

. . . . .

I intended a headless pent with

she is too young yet? Her little throat

I have revised to

our girl is too young yet? Her little throat

, , , , ,

I like the "I mean" because it keeps the dialogue colloquial.

. . . . .
As for,

New York One is showing imagesó

The start of the line is heavy, the end light. I do allow myself to promote the last syllable in some polysyllabic words for rhyme purposes. "-ges" is meant to rhyme with "is."

Thank you again for your help!

Aaron
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  #14  
Unread 08-17-2019, 07:53 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default The Last True Incorruptible, Out of Retirement

Repeated Post

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 08-17-2019 at 07:56 AM.
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