Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 10-20-2019, 11:12 AM
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lafayette, Indiana
Posts: 1,906
Default

Thanks, Nemo. I am curious to learn how you, Mary, and John are reading the hypothetical truncated version of the poem. What do you see that poem doing? At least at the moment, I read those four stanzas in isolation and fail to see a complete poem. I'd like some help here.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 10-20-2019, 12:10 PM
R. Nemo Hill's Avatar
R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Halcott, New York
Posts: 8,990
Default

Well, it's wide open that way, Aaron, and the responses I imagine might vary wildly. For me it becomes a sort of positive death ode, an ode to letting go and falling, emptying, of returning to namelessness and maplessness. The imperative "Stay gone!" then seems a self-address, commandeering the poet's voice through darkness toward invisibility, and even inaudibility. I read the incorrect suspicion in the original last stanza as a suspicion of suicide, that the narrator will drop and drown; and I guess that stanza could remain to posit a symbolic rather than a literal death. Yes, I like that stanza too. But I don't think the poem needs its opening stanzas, it doesn't need the narrative framework of recollection and location. I think where the poem takes you is the location, and that Stay Gone would make a good title, with its repetition right away in L1 being a fitting emphasis of location: gone. The poem knows where it has gone to; let the reader decide for himself where that is.

The soul has its own geography.

Is that suitably veiled enough as a crit?

Nemo
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 10-20-2019, 12:47 PM
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lafayette, Indiana
Posts: 1,906
Default

Yes, Nemo, that's very helpful. It is a case of me knowing the poem, as I originally wrote it, too well to see the possibilities of the alternative. So I needed some guide to point the way. Your post achieves that.

I'll mull the thought. Thanks again.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 10-22-2019, 08:16 AM
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lafayette, Indiana
Posts: 1,906
Default

I’m trying on the truncated version for size, with a title I might kinda like.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 10-22-2019, 08:20 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,952
Default

Hi Aaron,

I like the new title fine and am quite partial to the poem you now have. As a former Hoosier, I'm glad you're not calling it "Indianan Ode" myself.
One note: after "at my feet," I might go for a colon, not a comma, to indicate this isn't a list of different items. At least, that's how I read it.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 10-22-2019, 08:39 AM
R. Nemo Hill's Avatar
R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Halcott, New York
Posts: 8,990
Default

I adore it, of course.
To me, it's the best poem I've ever seen from you.
And the new title is excellent.

There is much that we do in private, Aaron, in the dark of composition, that need not be shared with a reader. All that goes on, in the shadow, is a part of the poem, but not the part that necessarily needs to lie on the page. I think you balance perfectly here—between the visible and the invisible. That balance is at the heart of poetry. Or, as I read this morning in Harry Crosby's diaries: "were it not for the Abyss / there would be no need for bridges". The abyss and the bridge are both here, in your poem—the feeling of falling and the stable arch over it.

Nemo
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 10-22-2019, 08:54 AM
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lafayette, Indiana
Posts: 1,906
Default

Thank you, John and Nemo.

John, I think local context makes clear that S3L1-L2 is image + metaphor, not a list. A colon there would be too heavy-handed. “Indianan Ode” was, obviously, never in consideration as a title for this poem in any of its forms.

Nemo, thanks for helping me to see what’s going in this poem. I have long thought that Cavell was right that we often do not know what we have said, and this is a nice example of that. I’m really chuffed by how much you like this one.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 10-22-2019, 09:20 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,797
Default

Excellent new title Aaron.

I saw the value in Mary's suggestion, and the cut and change of title, I think, vindicate her sense. She's not often wrong on these things.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Unread 10-22-2019, 02:17 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut, USA
Posts: 6,157
Default

I Aaron,

I, too, like the latest version. You have followed your instincts, and I love the poem, as well as the new title.

Best,
Martin
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Unread 10-22-2019, 02:32 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 3,444
Default

Hi Aaron,

I really like the revised version. It seems much stronger with the first two stanzas gone. Love the spiders being "all abdomen" and the N as butterfly, or reprising the butterfly of S3, as he floats feather-light down to the river in S4.

best,

-Matt
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,017
Total Threads: 19,936
Total Posts: 255,174
There are 420 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online