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Unread 08-06-2011, 10:36 AM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Default (Standing in for John) The Oldie prose comp

As with The Spectator results, I'm posting this on John's behalf, as he can't be with us for a little while.

None of the usual suspects this month (unless there are some pseudonyms I don't know about). Back to poetry for next time, which is welcome news, though these letters were quite good fun. Here's Tessa Castro's report:


In Competition No 139 you were invited to write a thank-you letter for a weekend that had obviously not been perfect.
Many of your entries were painfully funny. Food-poisoning, the dog and physical injury were the most popular incidents. ‘We didn’t miss television a bit,’ wrote Dorothy Pope’s grateful guest. ‘Doing that huge sea and sky jigsaw puzzle was much more interesting – that, and playing Ring-o’-Roses with the twins. Two-year-olds are so lively, aren’t they?’
Anne Wall had her weekend guests, Fran and John, write in thanks: ‘Your friends, the embalmers from Luton, were such good company. Their many anecdotes quite took my mind off our recent loss.’ Adrian Fry made his letter one of thanks to Dickens: ‘Your gift for mimicry of my every utterance made me feel simultaneously the centre of attention and witness to a bravura satirical performance – what guest could ask more?’
Commiserations to them and congratulations to those printed below, each of whom wins £25, with the genuinely grateful bonus prize of a Taylor’s of Harrogate tea and cake set going to Brian Wells.


Thanks for a memorable weekend. We were only with you for 48 hours but it seemed so much longer.
Since getting back we have been thinking why we don’t come to see you more often. I suppose it is because we are all so busy. It is obvious from the slideshows of your photos that you showed us on Friday evening, Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning that you have a very full life.
Pleased to see how well your three Labradors have become part of the family. You must feel very safe with them to protect you. I am sure they would get used to us in time.
Do please give our regards to the twins. They will surely make good progress with their instruments, especially if they continue to practise every day for an hour before breakfast.
Brian Wells


Dear Cousin,
Thank you for inviting us to your 60th birthday, and there is no doubt that you don’t look anything like your age.
We especially liked the relaxed atmosphere in your home and the way you did not tire yourself out too much. The scrambled eggs for dinner each day were a welcome change from the three-course meal we usually have to suffer.
The mice racing across the bedroom floor when we put on the light kept us highly entertained. The saggy dip in the mattress provided some hilarious moments and the cold showers brought us swiftly back to reality each morning.
Your lovable dog really took to us as we were quite prepared to overlook some of his more dubious habits, not least his friendly and rather moist kisses early each morning.
We look forward to seeing you again when we are feeling better.
Your loving cousins,
David and Joan McCabe


Dearest Jonty,
Thank you for an interesting and thought-provoking weekend. We are crestfallen that you are still having difficulty with the housekeeper. The psychiatrist seemed awfully nice.
We were intrigued by your new-found exuberance for an eco-friendly lifestyle. We did wonder, however, at the judiciousness of your unbridled approach. You probably think it very immoderate of us but I do feel there are occasions when a flush is, frankly, necessary.
It was an unfettered delight to meet the Huntington-Smyths. They were terribly understanding about our sensitivities towards bed-sharing with strangers.
Please thank your wives again for their hospitality. A new religion must be such fun for you all.
Kathryn Hopkins


Dear Auntie,
What a weekend to remember!
Your hospitality seemed effortless. Some of the guests we had not seen for ages. They have not changed. Eve and I were so happy to explore the nearby woods by ourselves and enjoy the silence of nature.
You are so good at reminding us of the simple life, and a night in the old caravan at the bottom of the garden allowed us to appreciate the fugue of the dawn chorus.
And the food! You always were an adventurous cook, brilliant at recycling. We won’t forget Saturday night’s meal in a hurry.
The journey home was leisurely. We stopped at most of the service stations.
What variety there is in these monuments to the age of the car.
We hope we can soon return your hospitality.
P.S. Has the plumbing sorted itself out yet?
Peter Clark

COMPETITION No 141
The road seems to be up everywhere at the moment. Please write a Song of the Road (of whatever kind) to the tune of a song that is well-known (please say which). Maximum 16 lines.

Entries to ‘Competiton 141’ by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG), fax (020 7436 8804) or email (comps@theoldie.co.uk) by 26th August. Don’t forget to include your postal address.
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