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  #11  
Unread 07-09-2020, 12:04 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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I’ve got to double down here. A little leeway is deserved. A little faith.

Writers write.
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  #12  
Unread 07-09-2020, 09:41 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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(Never mind. I wonder why I care?)

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 07-19-2020 at 10:53 AM.
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  #13  
Unread 07-09-2020, 10:03 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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I enjoyed it, Aaron. I like the voice, and the over-the-top declaration.

I see the N addressing a stranger. I imagine that the N is not actually speaking (aloud) to that stranger. He's merely seen this person (it's love at first sight after all), and fallen for them.

The main question I'm left with is why the person is addressed as a vandal. Should I see them a literal vandal (he sees someone in the process of vandalising something)? And if so, what -- and what's the relevance (why not someone posting a letter, or standing in a queue). I guess, in the current situation, it might be being used (tongue in cheek) of someone pulling down a statue of a Confederate general or slave trader. Or maybe they are metaphorically vandalising something: breaking the N's heart, maybe? But I don't know that the poem is giving me enough to work with here.

I did also wonder about "random". The line, I think, is saying: who cares what others say. It also suggests that the N and the object of his affection may be somewhere strangers can see them, and the addition of the word "random" perhaps tells us this is a public place, rather than somewhere where strangers of a particular type might be (as opposed to random ones). Still, I wonder how much it adds, and whether something to indicate where the N is, such as what the strangers are doing, might help.

"censurer" makes sense to me. Someone who provides harsh criticism or disapproval (who censures) rather than someone who hides information (who censors).

-Matt
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  #14  
Unread 07-10-2020, 09:33 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, everyone, for your comments.

Ives, thank you. I am considering your revisions. I have revised out “random.” I wish I had a British accent. As it is, “clock” and “talk” are true rhymes for me.

Matt, as usual, you are right. I have added more context with a fresh couplet at the top.

Best, best,
Aaron
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  #15  
Unread 08-07-2020, 06:40 PM
Carol Taylor Carol Taylor is offline
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I think the poem works as intended, short and flippant in tone to mirror the encounter itself, which N found appealing in spite of or perhaps because of its unlikelihood.
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