Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 09-20-2004, 08:03 AM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Anonymous Crit:
____________________________

Quote:
No Movies of Me

Think of the movie stars that were --
their heydays brimming with hormones,
then their relentless public ageing:
a bloated Brando, a withered Bacall,

a Groucho shifting his dentures in a shriveled mouth,
a crumbling, leathered Moore,
a doddery Hope, no hope left,
gazing into the distance, or the past.

How lucky there are no movies of me
on my Road to Anywhere, only stills:
no home Super-8 replay of someone past,
fresh-featured, lithe and limber, playing the fool
forever in a ski-sweater of Norwegian style,
splashing water at the camera lens,
or taking a loving glance for granted.

Or maybe just one. Somewhere in a tin trunk
stashed in the lumber-room of a childhood friend
now gray or gone, there may survive a short trick sequence:
thirty grainy seconds of me at ten or eleven
climbing out of the same cardboard box
again and again, before fading out.


I don't know who "Moore" is . . . aside from that, this fires on all cylinders. Excellent.

Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 09-20-2004, 08:04 AM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Anonymous Crit:
_____________________________________

For 'No Movies of Me'

This is so good! The last stanza contradicts the
poem's title, but I am willing to forgive this. If I
were a film critic, I'd give it four stars out of
five.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 09-21-2004, 07:44 AM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Anonymous crit:

_____________________

TO A CREASED SNAPSHOT OF US:

Of course there's a certain technical challenge in writing a dimeter poem with only two rhyme sounds. But I can't agree that this is skillfully done.

There are problems with sense: for example, "The pictures try/ but fail to see/ how you and I/ would smile to cry." Huh?? There's a problem with grammar: that repeated "of you and I" should be "of you and me." There's a problem with cliché: that play on the meanings of "lie" has been done over and over.

And there's a problem with the meter: it's uniform and monotonous! This would really benefit from some loosening up: hit the beat sometimes on the first syllable of the line, and maybe give some lines a feminine ending.

Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic. I know dimeter is hard.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 09-21-2004, 07:46 AM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Anonymous Crit:

_____________________________

NO MOVIES OF ME:

Good job with this! It conveys an emotional attitude effectively and affectingly. Some might see it as a poem of depression. I don't know: there are two ways of looking at it. It might be negative to say "I don't want to be reminded of how I was compared with how I am" or equally it might be seen as a positive, "let's be what we are now, without the distraction of constantly confronting the past."

I especially like the construction and syntax, and the images. The phrasing is distinguished. And the poem occupies an interesting space technically. It's free verse (is it? isn't it?) yet with "the ghost of meter." And it's a lesson in lineation---I'd only question the L4-5 strophe break, which seems unnecessary.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 09-21-2004, 10:12 AM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Anonymous crit:

_______________________________

No Movies of Me

Think of the movie stars that were --
their heydays brimming with hormones,
then their relentless public ageing:
a bloated Brando, a withered Bacall,

a Groucho shifting his dentures in a shriveled mouth,
a crumbling, leathered Moore,
a doddery Hope, no hope left,
gazing into the distance, or the past.

How lucky there are no movies of me
on my Road to Anywhere, only stills:
no home Super-8 replay of someone past,
fresh-featured, lithe and limber, playing the fool
forever in a ski-sweater of Norwegian style,
splashing water at the camera lens,
or taking a loving glance for granted.

Or maybe just one. Somewhere in a tin trunk
stashed in the lumber-room of a childhood friend
now gray or gone, there may survive a short trick sequence:
thirty grainy seconds of me at ten or eleven
climbing out of the same cardboard box
again and again, before fading out.

This poem is superb. I find no faults. Masterly.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 09-21-2004, 10:16 AM
Robt_Ward Robt_Ward is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Cape Cod, MA, USA
Posts: 4,586
Post

Non-anonymous comment on the "No Movies" poem: "Moore" must be Roger Moore, an erstwhile James Bond.

(robt)
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 09-21-2004, 01:20 PM
Carol Taylor Carol Taylor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Posts: 7,827
Post

David, send it to Tom at his email mentioned at the top of the thread and he'll post it, leaving you anonymous.

Carol
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 09-21-2004, 08:36 PM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Poem by Anonymous:

______________________________

Alphabet Passion, Envelope Love

P q r s t u v;
w, w, j k l.
God, I love you! Can't you tell?
A b a b a b b.
M n o? X y z?
R d p r v v j?
I'm useless since you went away.
D d c c a b b...

Reply With Quote
  #19  
Unread 09-22-2004, 08:21 AM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Anonymous Crit;
________________________________

'Alphabet Passion, Envelope Love'

For this reader, the poem had the impact the author
must have aimed at when writing it: it is childishly
tender and wise at the same time. The title is in
itself a poem.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Unread 09-22-2004, 08:23 AM
Tom Jardine Tom Jardine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,501
Post

Anonymous Crit;

___________________________________

Alphabet Passion, Envelope Love

P q r s t u v;
w, w, j k l.
God, I love you! Can't you tell?
A b a b a b b.
M n o? X y z?
R d p r v v j?
I'm useless since you went away.
D d c c a b b...

Just as well you're anonymous.

Total crap.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,395
Total Threads: 21,824
Total Posts: 270,664
There are 2098 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online