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  #11  
Unread 06-01-2019, 06:17 AM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Hate to lose this stubbornly materialistic line: "Our stomachs ready for the cure." Not our souls, our personalities, or our consciences, mind you -- just our stomachs.
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  #12  
Unread 06-01-2019, 11:12 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Thanks Bill, yes, I know what you mean. What about just :

The dust motes danced in narrow light —
our stomachs waited for the cure.


Or even 'their cure'

?
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  #13  
Unread 06-01-2019, 03:00 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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I still prefer the original line, but your alternative shares the sense of "our stomachs" alone having agency here and participating, while otherwise the kids are disengaged. "Ready" makes the stomachs almost sentient, eager, growling.
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  #14  
Unread 06-02-2019, 04:28 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Cheers for coming back, Bill.

I know what you mean about 'ready'. I'm trying a new ending that enables me to keep it.

Edit: changed again. From 'in the narrow light' to 'cross narrow light'. Think I'm happy with that.
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  #15  
Unread 06-05-2019, 05:17 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Mark,

My favorite bit is I believe the rhyme of dust motes and Brazil nuts. I am quite partial to that.
How would you feel about amid instead of amongst?

Cheers,
John
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  #16  
Unread 06-16-2019, 01:45 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Thanks John,

The Brazil nuts were hard and dry, but sometimes slathered with chocolate, I remember.

I think I prefer 'amongst' for the deep 'o' sound which is there in 'door', 'shadow' and 'holy'. And it feels more like 'surrounded by' than 'in the middle of' to me. Don't know how true this is...

Well, thanks for your help with this, folks. I feel like it's come along nicely.

Cheers!
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  #17  
Unread 06-16-2019, 08:16 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Mark, metrically I had trouble with S3L1: "Lourdes water in dusty bottles ." In all of the other lines I hear four beats, but in that one I hear just three. Do you give two syllables to "Lourdes"? I don't, so I tend to put the beat on WAter. If you had "water from Lourdes in dusty bottles" I would hear all four beats, but this may be just a problem with variations in pronunciation on two sides of the Atlantic.

Susan
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  #18  
Unread 06-17-2019, 03:27 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Mark,

Rereading this after a couple of weeks, I find myself wondering if the lenticular Jesus wouldn't make a better ending here.

The current ending essentially reprises S1 -- the kids sitting still watching dust, waiting for sweet things to eat -- albeit recasting it in the context of Lourdes and the sick waiting to be cured, which for me at least, doesn't seem to be the strongest close. The lenticular Jesus, on the other hand is adding something new which seems like it could work very well as a close: a striking and well-fitting metaphor and image for the aunt's conditional love. Obviously it doesn't work just to remove S3 or swap S2 & 3 -- although something along the lines of the latter might work -- so you'd need to do some work to get it there, but maybe it's worth a try?

best,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 06-17-2019 at 04:34 AM.
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  #19  
Unread 06-18-2019, 09:37 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Susan - A strong Lancashire accent probably would give 'Lourdes' two syllables: my actual Aunt Annie pronounced it Loowards (like 'cowards' but with a loo not a cow). But I'm hearing it like this in the line:

Lourdes water in dusty bottles

Is that a double iamb, or does that have to be two unstressed then two stressed? Anyway, I do hear four beats here. The line has changed a bit anyway, now (I still hear four beats in the new one).

Thanks.

Matt - You got me thinking and tinkering. It's more 'rhymey' too, now. What do you think?

Revision posted.

Edit: I'm not sure if 'love' and 'stuff' is a strong enough rhyme in that order, though it sounds better reversed somehow. So maybe the last S could be closer to the original S3:


She pottered by the stove — deciding.
We waited with her holy stuff:
lenticular Jesus, showing, hiding
His Sacred Heart, His perfect love.

But that way might suggest that the 'lenticular Jesus' is her only 'holy stuff'. And there's something quite nice about ending with the prosaic clunk/thump of 'stuff', maybe.
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  #20  
Unread 06-18-2019, 10:31 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Mark,

I like this last stanza increasingly. I like your proposed version, ending imperfectly on perfect love.

Cheers,
John

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark McDonnell View Post
Hi Susan - A strong Lancashire accent probably would give 'Lourdes' two syllables: my actual Aunt Annie pronounced it Loowards (like 'cowards' but with a loo not a cow). But I'm hearing it like this in the line:

Lourdes water in dusty bottles

Is that a double iamb, or does that have to be two unstressed then two stressed? Anyway, I do hear four beats here. The line has changed a bit anyway, now (I still hear four beats in the new one).

Thanks.

Matt - You got me thinking and tinkering. It's more 'rhymey' too, now. What do you think?

Revision posted.

Edit: I'm not sure if 'love' and 'stuff' is a strong enough rhyme in that order, though it sounds better reversed somehow. So maybe the last S could be closer to the original S3:


She pottered by the stove deciding.
We waited with her holy stuff:
lenticular Jesus, showing, hiding
His Sacred Heart, His perfect love.

But that way might suggest that the 'lenticular Jesus' is her only 'holy stuff'. And there's something quite nice about ending with the prosaic clunk/thump of 'stuff', maybe.
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