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  #11  
Old 06-20-2018, 03:38 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I know these people. At least, their ilk. Their days are "numbered" hereabouts.

Of course the poem is gobbledegook. It's about gobbledegook. The incoherent nonsense that life melts into when the last straw is laid gently on top of the pile. The meaningless squawking of the chook in the kitchen as the pots clatter and the fool chases it and the shit, shit, shit of it all echoing in the silence of the words on the paper.

You really will have to stop writing this stuff, Jan. Form and function blended together so that they become indistinguishable? Taken in its raw state, it can seriously affect the heart.
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  #12  
Old 06-20-2018, 06:11 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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John I: I'd consider removing them [rhymes] and keeping the whole thing kind of bleak and menacing, despite the sing-song beat.

No! Please... It would eviscerate the maddening ethos of the poem’s pain.
x
x
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  #13  
Old 06-20-2018, 09:27 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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(Ann, your comments of late have been off the charts -- as they say in data land : )

Ann: "You really will have to stop writing this stuff, Jan. Form and function blended together so that they become indistinguishable? Taken in its raw state, it can seriously affect the heart."

Oh, but don't stop if you can stand it, Jan. It is your poetry that gives the chaos and calamity a certain dignity and, I dare say, hope.

x
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  #14  
Old 06-20-2018, 03:11 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Jan,
This seems like 200 proof pure Irish. Is that just you, or is that Aussie?
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  #15  
Old 06-20-2018, 04:00 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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What Ann said. A great example of Concordia Discors.
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  #16  
Old 06-20-2018, 04:56 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Jan,

I'll echo the praise for this one. The piling on of misery against the surprise of the images and bounce of the rhythm and occasional rhyme.

I think it mightbe good to see a full end rhyme in S2, but it's not a major issue, and you do have the slant of 'shits' and 'kitchen'.

The only thing that doesn't really work for me -- or, at least, that I feel could be improved -- is the repetition here, especially in light of all the variation and surprise in what precedes it:

and the letter like a stone
a sharp edged stone
cutting through her fist.

I did wonder if you could do something along the lines of:

and the letter like a stone
and the stone like a X
cutting through her fist.

best,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 06-20-2018 at 04:58 PM.
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  #17  
Old 06-25-2018, 10:13 AM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Sorry for the delay my laptop suffered a minor bout with death I should be so lucky lol.

John,

I definitely want what I have written the words mirror the life that I write about. Life is not linear.

Mark,

I am sorry you deleted your words they were apt.

Ann,

Indeed you know of this. It is from the heart. Thank you.

Jim,

No evisceration here I would not have the guts to do it.

Thank you.

Bill,

The basis for white settlement in Australia had an incredibly strong Irish element so there is much that is owed to those early origins, so you read this rightly.

Ralph,

Empedocletian? Moi? lol I'd say so. Thank you.

Matt,

I will take your comments on board re the repetition but at the moment I am quite pleased with where this is at. Thank you.

Regards to all

Jan
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  #18  
Old 06-25-2018, 10:25 AM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Aaron,

I am glad that I had a computer breakdown as it has given me time to consider. Your posts were public so I will respond the same way though hopefully not in kind.

Your posts were arrogant and virtually ad hominem and not of the standard expected in the Deep End.

Poems are not necessarily a sterile academic exercise. There is passion and pain that needs documentation and credit must given to the voices that speak it. Often those voices speak in cliche and are non linear in utterance. It is up to you to learn to hear it.

I hope that this is the end of it and civil discourse prevails.

Regards,

Jan
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  #19  
Old 06-26-2018, 11:42 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Great poem, Jan!
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  #20  
Old 06-27-2018, 12:48 AM
Perry James Perry James is offline
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I accept that some poems are meant to appeal to the emotions more than the intellect, but even those poems must have a thread of meaning which the intellect can decipher. I think I see a very slim thread in this poem, which seems to describe a chaotic scene in someone's house/life/family. However, the thread isn't interesting enough (or perhaps the experience being described isn't familiar enough to me) to hold my attention beyond reading the poem a couple times to try to figure out what it means.

Reading this poem fills my head with questions about specific phrases ("pregnant with death", etc.). But as the questions pile up, I lose interest. That's just me, of course. Maybe there are people who don't need those intellectual answers as I do (like all the people in this thread who said that this is a good poem). Certainly, this poem is consistent with current trends which are either elevating or denigrating poety (take your pick).

Last edited by Perry James; 06-27-2018 at 02:17 AM.
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