Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 11-08-2019, 12:53 AM
Julie Steiner's Avatar
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 6,100
Default

I much prefer the new version, except for "centreboard" in adjacent lines, in a poem also named "Centreboard." (Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...) You might consider moving S2L1 down to S2L3 to spread that out a bit.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 11-08-2019, 03:49 AM
Mary McLean Mary McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Cambridge UK
Posts: 1,112
Default

Mark, thanks, Iím glad itís working for you. I didnít realize centreboards provide lift, but they also certainly have an important function of resisting lateral movement and roll of the boat in strong gusty winds. I definitely want freer IP in this poem, to fit the gusty content.
James, Iíve tinkered further with the stanza transition Ė does that help? I also kind of liked the abrupt veer, but if it throws too many people overboard it probably needs to be fixed.
Sam, yes the centreboard was OK when we started, but we must have hit some rocks pretty hard early on. The boat was the smallest dinghy class that has a jib, whatever that is. Maybe it sat 3 inside and my brother was also along, though he doesnít remember the incident either.
Julie, yes the juxtaposition bothers me too, so I tried out some wordplay that Iíve had in mind Ė does that help? Iím glad itís working better in general for you, and thanks to you (and everyone) for the honest criticism.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 11-08-2019, 04:22 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 8,180
Default

Mary, I was confused by "boring centre." Do you mean "boring" as in "dull"? Perhaps you could switch to a different term, such as "keel," to imply the stabilizing action that he thought he was providing. I think it might help to spell out a bit more how he thought that counteracting the wind was a positive thing.

Susan
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 11-09-2019, 01:13 AM
Mary McLean Mary McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Cambridge UK
Posts: 1,112
Default

OK, that didn't work, I reordered lines instead as Julie suggested. Thanks!
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 11-09-2019, 05:08 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut, USA
Posts: 6,132
Default

Hi Mary,

I like the metaphor in the last stanza. I take it that the father, in being the “centreboard” of the family, was a sturdy centreboard, unlike the broken one on the boat in S1.

But, in fact, being a sturdy centreboard, which counteracted the “wind” and stabilised the family, was actually counterproductive and even negative (according to the narrator). What I’d like to know more about was how or why the dad (being like a centrboard) was bad for his children. Perhaps give a couple of examples to support the N’s feelings? How did he not understand that the young always want to feel the wind? How exactly did he act like the centreboard? I think the poem could use a bit more development.

Best,

Martin

PS - I haven't read many of the comments, so apologies if I've said something already stated.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 11-09-2019, 07:19 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2,112
Default

Mary,

I appreciate the vivid description in the first ten lines. I can easily envision the narrator’s experience on the boat. I confess that I was unsure about how the swinging motion of the boat is to correspond within the framework of the metaphor given in the final stanza, the father as centerboard ‘providing drag against the Swinging Sixties.’ It might make more sense to me if the father, say, did not want the child to perch out on the bow in the wind and so called her down or something. If the swinging motion of the boat is the sixties, the father is the centerboard that keeps the boat from tipping, but is a centerboard not a good and necessary thing in a boat? I am left wondering how the father stabilizing the family, as a centerboard a boat, is a negative thing. Also how it is he did not understand ‘the young will always want to feel the wind.’ It seems a promising idea that wants development. For this reason, I might incorporate the father in the first stanza in a way that banks on the final metaphor.

A few other nits.
Providing drag against the Swinging Sixties
as if they were the gales of the Southern Ocean,
Dad acted as the family's centreboard.
The first two lines above have a plural subject, ‘they’, which does not correspond however to the singular subject of ‘Dad’ in the subsequent two lines. It thus seems grammatically wonky like this construction would be: Providing money for the vacation as if they were fat cats, my dad acted like… as opposed to Providing money for the vacation as if a fat cat, my dad acted like…

I hope this might help in some way or another.

All the best,
Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 11-09-2019 at 07:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 11-10-2019, 12:24 PM
Mary McLean Mary McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Cambridge UK
Posts: 1,112
Default

Thanks for the comments. My point is not that the drag is good or bad, only that it was the source of some conflict. I don't currently want to elaborate further, but I'll mull it over.

Erik, the subject of L13 is Dad, and L14 is a clause where 'they' refers to the Sixties, so I believe it is grammatically correct as is. I'm glad the descriptions are working for you.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 11-10-2019, 06:17 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2,112
Default

Mary

I see. Sorry, truth be told, I went too fast yesterday. The syntax would read more intuitive or lucid to me had the subordinate clause proceeded the main:
Dad acted as the familyís centreboard
providing drag against the Swinging Sixties
as if they were the gales of the Southern Ocean.
But then this observation may well be academic, as I doubt you would reverse it. As is, I think it might be a notch more convoluted or less direct than I think ideal, but it is nothing fatal at any rate. As you were.

Cheers,
Erik

P.S.
Mind you, I do not think the different order of those exact clauses necessarily the adjustment I would have; since even if it be for the clearer, that is not necessarily for the better.

Last edited by Erik Olson; 11-10-2019 at 11:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,016
Total Threads: 19,914
Total Posts: 254,914
There are 141 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online