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  #11  
Old 02-07-2018, 04:39 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Julie,

Thanks for coming back. It's good to know that ending came across. And we do have a blue plaque scheme here too, so maybe one day ...

Fliss,

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm pleased the close made sense to you. In terms of the dialogue, I was following the OED on punctuating direct speech, but I could have gone the other way around with the inverted commas. I'm not strongly attached to either, just new to writing dialogue. I don't normally write fiction.

best,

Matt
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  #12  
Old 02-07-2018, 06:59 AM
Rob Wright Rob Wright is offline
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Matt,

Thanks for posting. Good to see you here.

Like Felicity, I found this rather dream-like and to be fair, though that always trips the "Kafka Ahead" warning sign in my head, unlike Kafka I though there was real humor in this. Maybe Kafka is funnier in German, I've never bothered to find out. That said, I did enjoyed this, but thought it might be taken a little further. That the stakes might be raised in some way, maybe if the questions became more personal. Just a thought. But like Julie, I was entertained by this one.
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  #13  
Old 02-23-2018, 05:05 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Belated thanks for your comment Rob. Somehow I missed it.

I'll give some thought as to how this might be escalated. And perhaps the questions could become more personal. It might be possible to keep the tone and style of the benefits form whilst making the questions more personal. That's definitely a possibility to mull over.

I'm pleased it entertained you.

best,

Matt
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  #14  
Old 02-27-2018, 01:50 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Q View Post
John,

Thanks for coming back.

So you're reading this that Ahem has come to the wrong address? That's not what I intended.

Ahem says "wrong address", which is meant to set the reader up to think that he's come to the wrong address. But then he clarifies "not me, you".

This is intended to make it clear that it's not Ahem who has the wrong address, but the N. The basement is the wrong address -- the wrong place -- for the N to be living.

I had wondered if this was too obscure when I posted it. Hmm, I wonder how I can make this clearer.
Matt, I enjoyed this too - and I rarely wander into the Fiction Lounge - but it may help if I say that what I took from the ending was the implication that this was not (as you say) where BG was supposed to be, and he was consequently going to have to move. The threat is implicit but blatant. I thought.

I also felt I didn't need the overt nudge about the disability benefit forms, but that may be because I know something, at least, of the background of these poems now. But I think you should take the risk of trusting your reader there.

Good, if depressing, stuff. (Depressing because stuff like this goes on.)

Cheers

David
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  #15  
Old 02-27-2018, 03:27 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi David,

Thanks for commenting; I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yes, I could lose the direct reference to "disability benefits form", and just go with, "I tell him his questions sound remarkably familiar" or something like that. It's hard to know how clearly it would come across though -- it might sound like an OT evaluation, for example -- and as you say, you've been primed.

Thanks for letting me know you read the ending. I'd actually imagined Ahem as benevolent. The ending was intended to follow on from what Ahem says about his people not having basements and always being happy. I'd intended the ending as Ahem saying that the basement was wrong for the N, that it was doing him no good, and this being a compassionate response from Ahem. However, I can certainly see why you read it as threat, given the benefits assessment context. Hmm. Something to think about.

Thanks again,

Matt
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  #16  
Old 03-03-2018, 09:30 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Didn't see this until now.

Quickly, though I'll be back:

No, this is not a prose poem to my ear. But it does fall into that large box you've been filling called Basement. (Btw, "cellar" is what many call it over here. Does that matter?)

I like the direct reference to disability form questions. Though I suppose going forward you've boxed yourself in a bit.

I have a (good) habit of looking up words for their meaning even if I have a good grasp of what they mean. Looking up "basement" I saw "crypt" as a synonym. Interesting.

Here's an entrepreneurial thought for you: Continue writing a series of short stories on the theme. They fall into the satirical/allegorical realm. Self publish. Make no money. Stay the course.

--------

Edit back: Sorry for the useless post. I will get back with something more helpful.
x
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  #17  
Old 03-14-2018, 06:45 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Jim,

Belated thanks for this. Glad the forms worked. Yes, crypt is an interesting one, maybe I can do something with that at some point.

Matt
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  #18  
Old 03-23-2018, 11:51 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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It reminded me a little of A Bit of Fry & Laurie. At any rate, I enjoyed it very much.
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