[Alan Rain]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

Sylvia, I defy anyone to top that - it's deliciously dark!

A sure winner, I'd say.

Originally Posted by Ann Drysdale

A perfect response to the brief. Brava!

Thirded.
Wonderful black humour.

[Sylvia Fairley]

Thanks, Alan!

[John Whitworth]

Yup. That's the winner, But there are still three other places to fill.

[Brian Allgar]

Excellent, Sylvia! But I won't give it the kiss of death by saying you-know-what.

[Sylvia Fairley]

Ha! Thanks, Brian, very thoughtful - and thanks, John. I expect I'm in for a big disappointment.

[John Whitworth]

Oh no, I don't think so. I cant think of what else could be done in that line. Mine is a goodish poem but it doesn't really fit the rubric unless you are prepared to stretch a point. 'Tons and tons' has to be two 'tons'.

Charlie's is fun but has the same problem. Humph!

But I expect Bazza and his countlss aliases is confecting something.

[Rob Stuart]

I weigh a ton, and look it too: there’s simply no disguising
The puckered rolls of adipose I’ve got from gourmandising.
There’s very little I would deem unsavoury or icky.
If carbon-based, I’ll chug it down: I’m really not too picky.
This predilection grieves my wife-I struggle to appease her
When I’ve been collared crunching chips directly from the freezer,
Or gobbling a sausage roll that’s feculent and stinking,
Or drinking cooking oil (or something else not meant for drinking.)
She’ll wring her hands, comparing my addiction to a junkie’s,
But truth be told, I genuinely couldn’t give a monkey’s.
I’ll turn and walk away from her the moment she starts bitching
And pluck a goldfish from the bowl to swallow, live and twitching.
I’ll fill my tum with anything from compost to polenta,
From steak and kidney pudding to a bit of rat placenta,
From KFC and egg-fried rice to acorns, leaves and catkins…
But if I ever reach two tons, I’m going on the Atkins.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hilarious, Rob!

So that's a win for Sylvia, a win for you, I reckon... two spots left for the rest of us to fight over.

(No offence to our US friends) ...but gotten?? How about:

Or gobbled some old bit of cheese that’s gone all green and woolly.

Jayne

PS. Cross-posted with you within two minutes. And I see you've already had the same thought!

[Brian Allgar]

[Deleted for reasons of paranoia]

[Brian Allgar]

Very funny, Rob.

On the subject of Americanisms, and to avoid the double 'fish', what about changing

xxAnd fish a goldfish out the bowl

to something like

xxAnd grab a goldfish from its bowl

?