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Unread 09-15-2019, 08:55 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Boston, MA
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Default Late Stage

Night-Stage Capitalism

.....So you’re bored to-Day®.
.....Angry at the night.
Miffed you campaigned for the Dark®
that sold and turned off all the stars,
stripped them of their Hydrogen®,

Manufactured Helium®,
to make Balloon-Giraffes® for rich kids
who always let them go too soon.
You’re far from all the Micro-Stars®
.....that never rise or set,

but are tied like Dogs® to factory farms.
.....Your world’s a frigid place.
.....And you don’t even have
enough to buy a Noble-Gas®
to brighten your disheveled driveway.

So what to buy when you can’t see?
.....It’s then that you remember:
.....you can redeem Time®,
cash in those tickets that you bought
so long ago when the Collective®

started selling Indulgences®:
.....If you commit a crime,
.....Just let them do the time!

Only last week Bob tied up
his kids, threw them in his trunk,

and peeled around town, their cries a tune
he sang to. He’s still got tickets left
(even if he's got no money)
.....and you’ve got twenty stashed
under your Pillow®, and they’re calling.

***
S3L1-2 were:

but tied like Dogs® to factory farms,
.....your world’s a frigid place.

Last edited by Andrew Szilvasy; 09-18-2019 at 08:17 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 09-15-2019, 09:46 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,952
Default

Hi Andrew,

I think I'd prefer this without all the registered trademark symbols. I'm not sure how much they add to your narrative, and i find them distracting. Without them, I think i'd quite like this.

Cheers,
John
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  #3  
Unread 09-18-2019, 08:16 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Location: Boston, MA
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Default

John,

Thanks for the feedback. I think they add to the mood of the poem, but I'm not fundamentally committed to them if they are bothersome to most readers. They are visually more distracting here, I think, since I couldn't get them to superscript.

I also fixed a grammar issue.
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  #4  
Unread 09-18-2019, 08:25 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Location: TX
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Default

Hi Andrew,

I agree, that's just one reader's reaction. I think your idea of waiting to see others' reactions is a good one. My memory is that I quite like the meat and potatoes of this piece, if I can put it that way. It has appeal.

Cheers,
John
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