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Unread 09-18-2019, 10:04 AM
Sergio F Lima Sergio F Lima is offline
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Location: Kansas City,MO,USA. There is also Kansas City,KS but I don't live there.
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Default Archipelago

Archipelago

The pangolin.
Not even the anthill remembers
the pangolin. The girls at the parasol factory
dream of long sunny days that press
against each other and couple
in the early light. Nobody remembers
the rain and high water. At nightfall,
darkness strikes the face of a man
swimming against the flood. The laissez-faire
of the drowned, the iciness of their sangfroid,
keep their empty eyes looking up.
In the whitening sky, a tiny galaxy blinks.
So many stars!

The greater trochanter and the femoral head
tried and failed make bipeds walk
two steps at a time.

After the mulberry leaf
famine, the silkworms crawled back
from the brink. Weaving their way up
a lathery-white, close-shaved
north face, they can silk a mountain
before it wakes up.

Pity, the clipped wings
of a homing pigeon. This close to the dovecot,
the longest look.

Last edited by Sergio F Lima; 09-18-2019 at 11:30 AM.
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Unread 09-18-2019, 11:39 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Location: TX
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Hi Sergio,

I think this is pretty universally great. I do have some nits though - moments that jarred me in my reading - so I'll share them in case you might feel the same.

the iciness of their sangfroid

It bugs me that sangfroid contains the word froid or cold - it pairs too neatly for me with iciness.

The greater trochanter and the femoral head
tried and failed make bipeds walk
two steps at a time.

Should that be to make? And greater trochanter slowed me down - I've never heard of it (I don't much like the sound), and also wonder about initial caps.

After the mulberry leaf
famine, the silkworms crawled back
from the brink. Weaving their way up
a lathery-white, close-shaved
north face, they can silk a mountain
before it wakes up.

The switch to present surprised me.


Pity, the clipped wings
of a homing pigeon. This close to the dovecot,
the longest look.

Could that be "Pity the clipped wings"? I don't quite follow "Pity, the clipped wings," and am left in suspension.

Anyway, all this to say I like the poem very much.

Cheers,
John
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Unread 09-18-2019, 12:46 PM
Sergio F Lima Sergio F Lima is offline
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Location: Kansas City,MO,USA. There is also Kansas City,KS but I don't live there.
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Hi John:
Great to hear from you.
Let me address some of your thoughts:

Greater trochanter - the rationale was that somebody/something "Greater" has the power and authority to impose their will. You are right about the obscurity of this anatomy term. I kind of anticipated that. But I have been culpable of underestimating/overestimating the knowledge of others. I am never sure.

Iciness/sangfroid - what was I thinking? Out with that.

Silkworms - after being decimated by the mulberry famine, the silkworms are back. So they get the present tense.

Pity, - the comma was to say that " I pity" instead of the imperative pity (ya'll). But you may be right.

John, thank you for your excellent critique.

Regards:

Sergio
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Unread 09-18-2019, 01:08 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Sergio,

I'm glad to have been some help!

Cheers,
John
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