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Old 09-14-2018, 07:16 PM
Don Jones's Avatar
Don Jones Don Jones is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 1,023


I do like the rewrite for S1. Capitalize L3 of S1 and put commas after "papers" and after "flowers."

I second "selling papers." The extra beat with "selling" is fine. I would relax about the rhythm. Your rhymes can be quite slant (by no means a sin) though I assume that they are perfect rhymes in the original. Can I assume the rhythm is stricter in the original? If so, you can take liberty there as you have with the rhymes.

"Without interest" works.

As for

We don’t meddle in
........other peoples’ business--
as for our own, we
........know we don’t want to know.

I suggested

We don’t meddle in
........other peoples’ business.
As for our own, we
........know we don’t want to know.

It works grammatically and emphasizes the import of that line. It's clear that "other" and "own" are parallel.

In all, very nice.

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Old 09-19-2018, 11:00 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,175

thank you for coming back and for your suggestions; I have corrected the typo and capitalized the beginning of L3, and accepted your suggestions for commas, as well as repunctuating S2.
I am leery of playing with the rhythm, since I do want the text to fit the music--do you think that putting in an extra syllable wouldn't interfere--Kryl sings pretty quickly and I can't seem to squeeze it in when I sing along. His meter is very regular, there are only two modifications anywhere.

Thank you again! Any further thoughts will be much appreciated.

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