Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 10-21-2019, 03:33 PM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 369
Default The Trifecta

The Trifecta (Revised)

Her urge for the merge on the verge of stagnation,
she faces another ho-hum copulation.
Melvin and Sue find themselves in a quandary.
Sex has become just like folding the laundry.

Sue says to Melvin, “Your M.O. is lame.
Your job is to please me so step up your game.
Here are the things that our love should reflect:
variety, foreplay, and how ‘bout respect?”

Melvin attempts to comply with her wishes.
On sex nights, for foreplay, he helps with the dishes.
He listens attentively as they arrange
their plans (and he looks at her eyes, for a change).

He dusts off his artistry, rather than quibble.
The tongue in the ear. For the earlobes, a nibble.
The flirting technique that was certain to please:
the vaned feather flick on her back of her knees.

His method, now modified, is not perfection,
but still is a step in the proper direction.
Her misgivings mollified, Sue now has oodles
of toe-curling rapture when Melvin canoodles.

Your partner’s reluctant to shake, quake and quiver?
Variety, foreplay, respect can deliver.
Try this trifecta. Though it may have dwindled,
her will for the thrill often still can be kindled.


*************************

The Trifecta

She faced yet another ho-hum copulation,
her urge for the merge on the verge of stagnation.
Melvin and Sue found themselves in a quandary.
Sex had become just like folding the laundry.

Automaton-like to the utmost degree.
It was A to the B and then B to the C,
followed by D and then E to the F.
The work of a galley cook, not of a chef.

Sue said to Melvin, “Your M.O. is lame.
Your job is to please me so step up your game!"
He tried a new angle, which freed up his hands.
He used them both deftly to meet her demands.

With triple the stimuli, Sue now has oodles
of toe-tapping rapture when Melvin canoodles.
With his new approach to a sure happy ending,
Melvin believes he’ll secure “Patent Pending.”

Do you itch for an instance of shake, quake and quiver?
This tactic will practically always deliver.
Mind you, this method must feature a warning:
“More than one use leaves you sore in the morning.”

It matters not whether you creak or you waddle.
You don’t have to look like a Greek-sculpted model.
You and your partner can truly expect a
pleasant surprise when you try the Trifecta.

Last edited by Mark Stone; 11-04-2019 at 05:19 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 10-27-2019, 10:11 PM
RCL's Avatar
RCL RCL is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,435
Default

Mark, I’m always sorry to see ignored a light-handed (if that’s relevant) attempt at a semi-humorous, er, stab at the only delight that makes life worth living (go ahead, ask around), both as fulfilled and as remembered, and the bouncing beats (firm but not brutal) don’t end with a whimper. But I am puzzling over the specific trifecta tribute to the speaker’s lover. I’m thinking something tripodic, perhaps three pronged, but can’t quite wrap my dirty mind around it. Are any utensils involved?
__________________
Ralph
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 10-27-2019, 11:54 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,971
Default

Hi Mark, I’m probably not the best reader to attempt a critique of this, as others here know more about light verse technique, but I’ll give it a go.

An overall sense: I think the poem runs through the couple’s sexual discovery too fast: It opens with Sue and Melvin’s feeling that sex has become boring and too routine. Next, S tells M his technique is the problem and he should figure something out. In the lines 3-4 of S3, he’s already deftly meeting her demands, and in the next stanza S is already tapping her toes with pleasure. That was fast! In short, the poem needs more narrative pacing and build-up.

It might be because this is lacking that the poem in general feels more cute/coy than witty/naughty. It perhaps could use a Trifecta itself. Also, something else seems to be missing in the opening stanzas: M gets better at pleasing S, but there’s nothing said about his reaction to the sexual discovery. Is that what you want it to suggest?

The rhyming in this poem is often flat or predictable. The first two lines of the poem: copulation/stagnation is a dull rhyme pair. Lines 3 and 4, with the amusing quandary/laundry, would be a more promising start to the poem. But then lines 4-5 have utmost degree and C—both too easy (there are a gazillion -ee rhymes) and forced (“utmost degree” is padding). And is the contrast of “galley cook” with “chef” hitting the right note for the context? It doesn’t do much, for me, in terms of either humor or specifying the quality of M & S’s automaton sex.

The next stanza is also cursory and rhyme-driven: The reader already knows that M freed up his hands to please S, so that doesn’t need to be stated. Also, I’m not getting the meaning here: Most sex positions that don’t involve hanging from chandeliers leave the hands free, so the detail doesn’t make much sense to me.

In the stanza after that, the denouement or climax has already taken place: Sue is pleased and Melvin knows what to do. But this happens much too fast, since we’ve only just reached the point, in the last stanza, where M knows what to do. It’s hard to relate to a positive outcome that hasn’t been properly set up. Again, this relates to the narrative pacing I've mentioned.

The poem ends with two stanzas offering the reader a general moral to the story, that the Trifecta is a great technique that leaves partners (or at least one partner) satisfied. I think one stanza on that theme is enough, and more should be put into the earlier stanzas.

I hope something in my comments is helpful. I’m glad to see your poem getting some attention, as you’ve been generous with other people’s posts.

Best,

Andrew
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 10-28-2019, 02:05 AM
Julie Steiner's Avatar
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 6,121
Default

Hey, Mark!

Andrew wants more narrative pacing and build-up; I'm thinking it seems to go on for too long, with only a mild climax.

There's no pleasing everyone, I guess.

I would suggest putting the triple internal rhyme of L2 first, followed by the current L1. And now I'm going to commit the horrible sin of a [gasp!] rewrite, which you can skip if you find the notion offensive; or select the following if you want to see it:

Her urge for the merge on the verge of stagnation,
she faced yet another ho-hum copulation.
But he found a new angle, which freed up his hands.
He used them both deftly to meet her demands.

With triple the stimuli, Sue now has oodles
of toe-tapping rapture when Melvin canoodles.
With his tri-ed and true trick for a sure happy ending,
Melvin believes he’ll secure “Patent Pending.”


Still two problems though:

1) The term "toe-tapping" is usually employed in the context of a musical performance, so I have trouble applying it to "rapture." [Unless you're referring to a camel toe. Hmmm. I'm still not sure the joke really works, though, because if I understand it correctly, the trifecta refers to stimulation of the nipples in addition to stimulation of the camel toe area.]

2) "Patent Pending" isn't something you "secure." In fact, the "pending" part of the term means that you've applied for a patent, but it hasn't been secured yet, which is why no patent number is cited.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 10-28-2019, 02:38 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Hunter Valley, NSW, Australia
Posts: 2,681
Default

It is good light hearted fun Mark but and there is more than just that but.

It is a sniggery piece at this stage when it could be much more.

"He tried a new angle, which freed up his hands."
You spark my prurient interest and like Sue I am frustrated. Tell me more lol

There is not a smooth and logical progression here but the flesh has its moments though the bones are disarticulated.

Regards,

Jan
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 10-28-2019, 04:02 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 4,918
Default

I think the problem (and the reason I didn't comment when the poem went up) is that the procedure is unclear. This has been borne out by others' reactions. My mind wandered off into speculations as to what he might have been doing with his hands hitherto - turning the pages of the Kama Sutra, perhaps?

There are several definitions of the title but in order to involve the manual stimulation of the nipples the angle would have to be the venus aversa and would involve the additional use of a strap-on, would it not?

If, however, the third area is the lips, the lady would have to be Blodeuwedd, able to turn her head through a larger number of degrees than is generally possible.

And then again, if the chap is using his hands at nipple level and approaching from the rear, the pair would have to be standing up (or she kneeling) in order to avoid the agonising conflict of wrists and ribs.

A further difficulty arises when the trifecta is defined by orifices rather than erogenous zones, when a simultaneous pleasuring at all three sites would require skilled assistance from a third party.

These observations are based on information gathered under field conditions and subject to memory, together with a good degree* of interested reading.

I am left wondering whether the poem might actually refer to the uppy-downy jiggery-pokery that had been in use for centuries, as in the final couplet of a poem in the voice of one who has been asked to act as "escort" to Mike Tyson...

"He'll need to know, before we go, I won't do sixty-nine -
I couldn't concentrate on his with his teeth that close to mine".


* a Tripos, perhaps?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 10-28-2019, 09:22 AM
Julie Steiner's Avatar
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 6,121
Default

I wonder if the procedure needs to remain unclear in order for there to be any plausibility to the claim that it is new, though.

The apparently unsatisfactory A-F procedure in the current S2 is unclear, too, but since it seems rather elaborate I wonder if that bit should be repurposed to apply to the mysteriously rapturous and innovative Trifecta instead.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Unread 10-28-2019, 09:26 PM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 369
Default

Ralph, Andrew, Julie, Jan & Ann,

Thank you for all of the thoughtful and incisive comments and suggestions. I am going to make several changes to the poem in response to your suggestions. When I post the revision, I will address your specific comments individually. Thanks again!

Mark
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Unread 11-04-2019, 05:16 PM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 369
Default

Ralph, Andrew, Julie, Jan & Ann,

1. I wrote down all the comments: What is the trifecta procedure? What was wrong with Melvin’s M.O., i.e., more build-up needed. Need Melvin’s reaction to getting better at pleasing Sue. “Utmost degree” is filler. What are the ABCDEF steps? “Galley cook” is inapposite. The meaning of “hands free”? The meaning of “toe-tapping”? One does not secure “Patent Pending.”

2. I jettisoned about two thirds of the lines and took a new approach. I revised the poem, and in so doing changed its rating from XXX to R/PG-13. I made this change because (A) I’m more comfortable discussing things on the Internet at the R/PG-13 level, and (B) Melvin refused to provide more detail about his techniques. (Just kidding.) I have posted the revised poem for everyone’s consideration.

3. Here is an excerpt from merriam-webster.com:

Where does trifecta come from? Trifecta is a recent addition to the English language. It first appeared in the early 1970s as a term for a horse-racing bet in which the first, second, and third place finishers are chosen in the correct order. The word has since broadened in meaning: it can now also refer to a group of three (usually desirable) things (such as “the trifecta of curing cancer, ending hunger, and putting an end to war"). It is found in everything from advertisements to media company names to casual speech.

Of course, I am using “trifecta” in the sense of three desirable things.

Best wishes,

Mark
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,021
Total Threads: 19,982
Total Posts: 255,577
There are 170 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online