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  #1  
Unread 11-17-2019, 01:13 PM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Default Oedipus Redux

The suppliant Prince drops to his knees,
as if I or the gods, could care.
His gold is on the votive plate.
My answer fills the air.

“Hurry home to your mother, Prince
and take your father’s throne.
Your place is now in your mother’s bed,
don’t let her sleep alone.

Take the King to a mountain-side
and beat him with a rod.
Hang him to dry from a windy tree,
create the husk of a god.

Then go back down to hearth and Crown,
no need to feel defiled,
but never go near a tree again
and never sire a child."

Up he gets, a spring in his heels,
away to his place of birth.
One day he’ll learn just how much
killing a King is worth.

Men are such fools. They’ll always buy
whatever I have to sell.
The King is dead, long live the King
whose mother paid me well.



I have posted an earlier version before.
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  #2  
Unread 11-19-2019, 08:53 PM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
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Jan,

Hi. Here are eight comments. I don’t think you need a comma after “gods” in L2. I would put a comma after “Prince” in L5. LL7-8 appears to be a run-on sentence. I would either put a semi-colon after “bed” or else have each line be a separate sentence. Finally, if you would like to further iambicize the meter, here are five ideas. Delete “now” from L7. Delete “to dry” from L11. Change L18 to: “off to his place of birth.” Change LL19-20 to: “One day he’ll learn how much the killing / of a king is worth.” Change L22 to: “whatever I might sell [OR] the things I have to sell.”

Mark
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Unread 11-20-2019, 02:42 AM
Mary McLean Mary McLean is offline
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It's certainly unusual, to suggest that Jocasta paid for this to happen. Doesn't really fit with her suicide. I like the sound of this but the twist is just too much for me.
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Unread 11-26-2019, 09:45 PM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Well the twist is absolutely supported, Mary, by there being two Jocasta stories, one in which she doesn't kill herself. Nor do I assign N here entirely to Jocasta's story, neither of them. Even if there were only one accepted Jocasta story, I'd accept a different one here.

I like it. It's nicely done.

Rick
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Unread 11-26-2019, 11:27 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Very snarky. Evolutionary nurturance dynamism gone too far, this time from the female side.
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Unread 11-27-2019, 07:24 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Sorry for the delay in response been choking on smoke and dust and praying for rain.

Mark,

"iambicize" yet. This accentual ballad. I will definitely look at some of your punctuation however as I have said this an accentual ballad format 4,3,4,3 and your word change proposals lose the music.

Mary,

The hold that myth has on any truth is tenuous to say the least and as such no myth is definitive they are expressions of the collective unconscious, the zeitgeist.. I think this version can therefore stand given the venality and moral ambiguity of today.

Rick

Thank you I am glad that you enjoyed.

Allen

Amen.

My thanks and regards to you all.

Jan
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