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Old 04-28-2018, 01:26 PM
Woody Long's Avatar
Woody Long Woody Long is offline
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Revision 3:

bbbbbbbbbb
The April breeze blows
bbbblossoms from our cherry trees
bbbbbbbinto pink snowdrifts.

-----
Revision 2:

bbbbbbbbbb
April breezes blow
bbbblossoms from our cherry trees
bbbbbbbinto pink snowdrifts.

-----
Revision 1:

bbbbbbbbbb
April breezes blow
bbbcherry blossoms in our lot
bbbbbbbbbbbinto pink snowdrifts.

-----
Original:

The April breezes
bbbblow our new cherry blossoms
bbbbbbbbinto pink snowdrifts.
bbbbbbbbb

Last edited by Woody Long; 05-22-2018 at 01:17 PM. Reason: editorial only, identified the current version (posted April 29) as Revision 3
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Old 04-28-2018, 04:59 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Woody,

I like this. I'm no expert, but I think a Japanese haiku might be more likely to say "the" than "our" with the cherry blossoms. :-)

Cheers,
John
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Old 04-29-2018, 10:55 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Woody,

I agree with John. Also, I'd cut the "The" in the first line. "April is a stronger first word, and it gets you another syllable to play with.
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Old 04-29-2018, 11:07 AM
John Riley John Riley is online now
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Yes, a nice haiku. You have the spirit here.
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Old 04-29-2018, 11:25 AM
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Woody Long Woody Long is offline
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John I., Andrew, & John R. —

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. Picking up on them, I've posted a revision.

— Woody

P.S. I'd appreciate any hints regarding the lineation.

— W

Last edited by Woody Long; 04-29-2018 at 11:32 AM. Reason: added the postscript
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Old 04-29-2018, 12:12 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Woody,

I don't love "in our lot." I think you can do better.

I'd give the lines more space. First, I might do something like:

***
April breezes blow

bbbbcherry blossoms in our lot

bbbbbbbbbbbinto pink snowdrifts.
***

I might also play with the idea of things being blown into snowdrifts (what a great image). I might add more space between the words either earlier or later. Maybe:

***
April............ breezes.................. blow

bbbbcherry...... blossoms..... in ...our ..lot

bbbbbbbbbbbinto... pink ......snowdrifts.
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Old 04-29-2018, 12:54 PM
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Woody Long Woody Long is offline
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Andrew

Thanks for getting me out of the lot & into the trees. I see all this from my window as i write (the closest tree is about 40 feet away), though today the forecast wind in the high teens hasn't arrived. The drifts are small, along the walks, & some in the gutters. Not much falling today so far. This happens every year & the effect can be very striking. Sometimes there are little whirlwinds like dust devils made of flower petals.

Thanks also for the suggestions regarding lineation. For the time being, I'm sticking to just three lines (no blank lines), & ordinary spacing between words. All I'm tweaking is the indents, which is tough enough.

Revision posted.

Woody
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Old 04-29-2018, 03:28 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hi Woody,

This is lovely! We have cherry blossoms here too. I really like your imagery and alliteration :-)

Best wishes,
Fliss
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Old 04-29-2018, 06:33 PM
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Woody,

Reminds me of an afternoon I spent in Kyoto! I like and prefer the version labeled Revision 1. I'm now inspired to write one for the possible rebirth of my lemon tree.
__________________
Ralph
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Old 04-29-2018, 07:38 PM
Michael Cantor Michael Cantor is online now
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It's too wordy. You're using the tradition 5-7-5 haiku stanza, but this really pertains to Japanese language haiku, where the entire language is built of 51 short sounds - ba, be, bi, bo, bu, na ne, ni, etc - and it takes more syllables to say the same thing. Most English language haiku today is either 3-5-3 or, more commonly, no specific count but almost always less than 5-7-5. You can say the same thing with far fewer syllables in English, and the focus is to eliminate redundancy. Suggestion:

April breezes
cherry blossoms become
pink snowdrifts

I could even argue that "breezes" could be eliminated, because it's a given that April is breezy, but I don't like the "look" of the haiku if I do that.
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