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  #11  
Old 06-06-2018, 11:49 PM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Hi Fliss,

I was slow to put this one together, and I thought Su was a monkey until I read Ann抯 comment, but then the final stanza confused me. I liked the poem once I got it.

I would cut the period at the end of stanza 3 and enjamb it with stanza 4. There are maybe one or two adjectives too many in stanza 2.

If you cut one or two syllables here and there, most readers won抰 see the connection to haiku, but will register this as free verse.

There are some haiku poets (I抦 one of them) who follow a suggestion by the translator R.H. Blyth and write haiku in English in a 2-3-2 stress pattern. Most haiku poets simply write 1-3 lines of free verse, arguing that 5-7-5 in English comes out longer and clunkier than in Japanese.

Jeanne's excellent post gives a glimpse of what haiku in English are like. I find them magical when they come off, but they do require a special touch to write well.
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  #12  
Old 06-07-2018, 08:04 AM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Fliss,

Check out ahapoetry.com

Jane is one of the foremost specialists in haiku. It is not the syllable count but the aha moment.

Regards

Jan
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  #13  
Old 06-07-2018, 12:43 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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What a lot of poets aboard the klotok <(:-) (Fliss distributes durian fruits)

Unfortunately I have to work late this evening, so it's a brief response for now and a full response over the weekend, all being well.

My general feeling is that I haven't written any haiku here, and I'm happy to call it all blank verse, which ought to make revisions easier, hehehe.

I am interested in writing haiku, though, so I'll look at the links and give it a go for my next poem (after reciprocal comments).

Until then, many thanks,
Fliss
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  #14  
Old 06-09-2018, 12:25 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Fliss returns to the klotok <(:-)

Hello David, Aaron, Jeanne, John, Edward, and Jan,

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment; I抳e made a few changes, hopefully without getting rid of the things people like!


David

Yes, surprise! A bit of a poetry puzzle there. I'm glad it was an enjoyable surprise for you :-)


Aaron

Many thanks for your thoughts on English-language haiku. Thanks for the link too; I was delighted to revisit Woody's haiku.


Jeanne

I see you're a new member; welcome to the 'sphere!

Thanks for enjoying the images, and for providing some information. I first learned about English-language haiku, written 5𤪛, at The Poetry Forum, I think that was just over seven years ago. I've written only a few since then, sharing them in non-workshop places, on- and offline.

I think your word 'understated' is apt for the example you provide. I find it rather sparse, but the last time I wrote about crabs they were singing and dancing, so perhaps that's to be expected. (The 'crab' step features in one of my favourite Border Morris dances.)


John

Thank you! :-) :>) (smiling bird!)


Edward

Thanks for the feedback. I enjoy looking at pictures of monkeys, so when I read you'd thought Su was a monkey I had to google 'monkeys with auburn fur' to see what came up. Here's one example, the red leaf monkey: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/a...d-leaf-monkey/ :-)

I've made revisions based on yours and Aaron's suggestions, and I'm in favour of readers registering the poem as free verse.

As I've mentioned, I shall attempt a haiku, but I doubt I have the special touch required!


Jan

Thanks for the link, Jan. I like it: 'Ah ha!' There are 14 lessons. It must be pleasant to have time to study in this way!


Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #15  
Old 06-09-2018, 12:42 PM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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I like the changes. I think you can find something fresher than "roll down" for S4L2.
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  #16  
Old 06-09-2018, 02:20 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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I like the improvements but still think some of the modification seems to be filler. It is what one imagines to be said to describe the nouns. If you could reduce the number of weaker ones it will be better and more haiku-like.

I'm speaking of "round brown eyes" and "clear water" and "long thin fingers" and "auburn fur" and "tears roll down her pale cheeks." There have to be more memorable ways to make these images and because it is an imagistic poem it matters more.

A little bit more work is all. I like the theme and feel and pace.

Last edited by John Riley; 06-09-2018 at 02:23 PM.
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  #17  
Old 06-10-2018, 12:39 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hello Aaron and John,


Aaron

Thank you! Hmm... something fresher for 'roll down'... I'm thinking a word that's more suggestive of water, maybe, so 'flow down'? Perhaps that isn't very fresh; I can't tell sometimes. I think anything more than that might get a bit dramatic! I shall muse.


John

Thanks; I'm pleased you like the poem overall. Following information I received about haiku in the comments above, I decided to work on the poem as free verse rather than four haiku. Interestingly, many of the descriptions you'd like to change are my favourites! I like their simplicity, and I'd be concerned that trying to make them more sophisticated would make the poem less accessible for many readers, including me, hahaha. I particularly like 'auburn fur' for the sound :-)


I can't type much more now because I have to rest my hands, but I've made a start with the reciprocal comments and I'll try to continue into next week.


Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #18  
Old 06-10-2018, 07:53 PM
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Woody Long Woody Long is offline
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Fliss —

S4L2:

while tears roll down her pale cheeks –

Maybe forget the movement of the tears & instead point up the contrast between the tears & the smile, e.g.:

despite the tears on her pale cheeks –

No doubt there are other possibilities along this or similar lines.

— Woody
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  #19  
Old 06-11-2018, 12:02 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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I went to the animal fair
The birds and the beasts were there
A big babboon
By the light of the moon
Was combing his auburn hair.

Do please keep auburn.

Cheers,
John
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  #20  
Old 06-11-2018, 12:51 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Fliss returns, comfortably bandaged <(:-)

Hello Woody and John,


Woody

Thanks for taking the time to read. Yes, perhaps I could avoid the difficulty of the motion of tears. I like your suggestion; do you think 'with tears on her pale cheeks' would do, or is that a bit too simple? I'll certainly give this further thought.


John

Huzzah! I've always liked the auburn baboon. I'm keeping 'auburn' here, not least because Birutė Galdikas had auburn hair; it's silver now. In the longer poem, I was imagining a fairly young Birutė. There's a photo of her National Geographic cover here: http://focusexpeditions.net/category/travel/ (first entry of blog). I love the first photo too :-)


Best wishes,
Fliss
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