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Old 07-26-2018, 01:10 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Default Coevals

Patrick Kavanagh
was older than my father
by eleven years. They might
have walked together in a hawthorn lane,
in Cronk y Voddey or Inishkeen,
talking of how to treat a spavined horse,
the clearance of a watercourse,
or just red skies at night.

Following on,
I can not keep up. Will
they wait for me, seeing I am lame?
No, they are gone
again, behind the hill
with the difficult name.
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  #2  
Old 07-26-2018, 11:49 AM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Love it. Not being too familiar with the poet's work, I'm wondering if the close is a reference. Doesn't matter to me, it works wonderfully on its own. "father" gives him appropriate distance, though "dad" is more musical there, imo. And we do get that distance at the end of the poem. It might in the end be more affecting. Small stuff I suppose. The second stanza I'm not entirely confident about the line breaks. That's all I got. This is resonant, David.

JB

Never mind about my dad suggestion. It sounds right as is aloud. And I forgot to mention that I like that subtle nudge letting the reader know that you are old now too.

Last edited by James Brancheau; 07-26-2018 at 12:11 PM.
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Old 07-26-2018, 12:20 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi David,

I like it too, up to a point, despite not knowing PK either. But, particularly in S2, the key idea echoes Heaney a bit too much and it becomes a version of 'Follower' with added literary whimsy. Maybe.
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Old 07-26-2018, 01:18 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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I like it too with a few hesitations. The last line of S1 is too too poetic. It would be best to keep the possible topics on their work or interests instead of having it mush to red skies. The second stanza is a bit abrupt, in this unabrupt poem. Suddenly we have a young boy or a hurt boy being left behind on a hill with a difficult name that was named in S1. I think the sin here is a little too much poeticism.

But overall I like this and I like being about to watch the poet's mind working like this.

John
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Old 07-26-2018, 01:38 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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I read that differently, John, especially given the horse and the focus on age early in the poem. I do think it's an important detail, whether I'm right or wrong.
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Old 07-26-2018, 04:02 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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'Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.
Red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning'

It's an old saying..
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Old 07-26-2018, 04:43 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Sailor take warning, I think.
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Old 07-26-2018, 05:49 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Not round these parts
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Old 07-26-2018, 10:12 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Is that really true, Mark? Never heard of that. Now I'm feeling sheepish (sorry~ talk about lame... )
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Old 07-26-2018, 11:57 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Hi David,

I like the rhyme scheme and the tone. However, I question the title: none of your three characters seem coeval to me, in arithmetical terms. That distinguishes them.

Cheers,
John
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