Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 03-13-2019, 09:26 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 7,787
Default Rilke, The Flamingos

The Flamingos
by Rainer Maria Rilke
Botanical Garden, Paris

No more is given of their white and red
in their reflections, like a Fragonard’s,
than somebody would offer if he said
to you about his lover that “she was

still soft with sleep.” Because when they arise
into the green and stand there, slightly turned
on pink stalks, blooming, like flowers in a bed,
more enticingly than Phryne, they entice

themselves, until they hide, with long necks curled,
their pallid eyes in their own flanks, inside
of which their black and fruit-red lie concealed.

An envy shrieks across the aviary
abruptly, but they’ve stretched, amazed, and stride,
each singly, into the imaginary.

Revisions:
S2L3-4 was on "pink stalks, blooming together as if in a bed, / more alluringly than Phryne, they entice"


Die Flamingos
Jardin de Plantes, Paris

In Spiegelbildern wie von Fragonard
ist doch von ihrem Weiß und ihrer Röte
nicht mehr gegeben, als dir einer böte,
wenn er von seiner Freundin sagt: sie war

noch sanft von Schlaf. Denn steigen sie ins Grüne
und stehn, auf rosa Stielen leicht gedreht,
beisammen, blühend, wie in einem Beet,
verführen sie verführender als Phryne

sich selber; bis sie ihres Auges Bleiche
hinhalsend bergen in der eignen Weiche,
in welcher Schwarz und Fruchtrot sich versteckt.

Auf einmal kreischt ein Neid durch die Volière;
sie aber haben sich erstaunt gestreckt
und schreiten einzeln ins Imaginäre.


Literal translation:
The Flamingos
Botanical Garden, Paris

In mirror images, as if of Fragonard,
no more is given of their white and their red
than someone would offer you
if he says of his lover “she was

still soft with sleep.” When they rise into the green
and stand, on pink stems slightly turned,
together, blooming, as if in a [flower] bed,
they seduce themselves more seductively than Phryne,

until they hide their pale eyes,
necks bent, in their own flanks,
in which black and fruit-red conceal themselves.

All at once, an envy shrieks through the aviary,
but they have stretched themselves, astonished,
and stride, separately, into the imaginary.

Last edited by Susan McLean; 03-14-2019 at 12:21 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 03-14-2019, 04:44 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,699
Default

Hi Susan,

More nice work on a good poem I'm not unduly familiar with. Thank you. I have one thought really - in this passage,

on pink stalks, blooming together as if in a bed,
more alluringly than Phryne, they entice


I might say "grouped as in a flowerbed,
more enticingly than Phryne, they entice."

My reasons: beisammen is not zusammen; Beet is flowerbed not bed; and verfuehren is repeated. I'd like to honor those three details in the English. Also, i find your first line here a tad awkward metrically. Not sure my fix will work for you though, since my grammar is unusual.
Anyway, yes, I enjoyed this as always.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 03-14-2019, 12:27 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 7,787
Default

John, I have taken your advice on "enticingly," but if I can only get one of the two concepts into the translation, I think "blooming" is more important than "grouped," since a flowerbed implies a grouping of flowers.

Susan
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 03-14-2019, 12:54 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,699
Default

Yup, that argument makes sense. I think it's clearer now.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,959
Total Threads: 19,413
Total Posts: 248,569
There are 143 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online