[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4270
By Leonora Casement
A serious philosopher or thinker, dead or alive, offers words of wisdom on the problems page of a named newspaper or journal. We want both problem and reply.
Max 150 words by 27 March comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Brian Allgar]

(Daily Mirror)

Dear Uncle Mac, I am supposed to be in a power-sharing situation with David C, except that I have no power because the bastard won’t share it. What should I do? Hopefully, Nick C.

Nick, it sounds as if David C is behaving as a hereditary prince, whereas you find yourself in the position of the new prince, needing to establish power in your own right by manipulating or circumventing the existing political structure. Although you might prefer to do so in a way that respects current morality and conventions in order to retain the love of the people, always remember that fear is more potent than love, and if all else fails, you may need to resort to brute force. In such a case, I can supply you with the contact details of a couple of skilled cut-throats, who come highly recommended by my sometime patron, the late Cesare Borgia.

[Brian Allgar]

(René Descartes - The Sun)

Dear Des, I think I’m going out of my mind. Some days I’m not even sure I exist. What’s wrong with me?

Des says: For you to think that you are going out of your mind is an encouraging sign, since it can be taken as evidence that you are actually capable of thinking, from which it follows that you unquestionably exist. Your own uncertainty on the matter is further proof that you exist, since how could you feel doubt if you did not? (It also shows that you must be pretty dim even to ask yourself such a question.)

But confirmation of your existence by no means precludes the possibility that you are going crazy, and I am inclined to believe from your letter that you are indeed bonkers.

Putting it another way, you think you are going out of your mind, therefore you are.

[Peter Goulding]

Thanks Brian.

That's scuppered my prospective entry.

Yours is funnier anyway.

[Rob Stuart]

(Friedrich Nietzsche, New Humanist)

Dear Uncle Fred,

Perhaps I’m just being paranoid, but I'm sure that I'm not as omnipotent as I used to be. My grip on the hearts and minds of men seems to have been gradually slipping since the Age of Reason and this is making me feel increasingly marginalised and irrelevant. Can you offer any explanation?

Yours, G

Uncle Fred says: You’re dead.

[Peter Goulding]

(David Beckham - Match)

Dear David,
I want to sine as an apprentis for Watford but me mum says I gotta finnish me educashun first? Whatcha reckon?
Gary

My dearest Gary,
Maternal wisdom is the very fabric from which society is woven. Pay heed to the woman who bore you, suckled you and nurtured you for a fifth of one’s natural lifespan. Non scholae sed vitae discimus, as Sir Alex was wont to remark, which roughly translates as It wasn’t Scholesy who hit him with a discus.
David