[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4268
Set by J Seery
Awards are often named after famous people. We asked for suggestions for some new ones – for example, “the Vicky Pryce Award for Delayed Vengeance”.

This week’s winners
Well done. A number of you forgot to send in the talents and achievements the judges were looking for. Katie Mallett sent in a number of shorter entries but only one made it into the winner’s box. A £5 book token for you, Katie. The rest get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Barry Baldwin.

The Chris Huhne Award for Saving Humanity is presented to those at the forefront of the relentless and fearless fight against serious and organised crime, as well those responsible for exposing it in the media. Winners’ achievements include the successful prosecutions of those guilty of crimes against humanity such as genocide and torture, as well as serial killings, drug dealing and allowing another person to take one’s speeding points.
The special Chris Huhne Media Award, meanwhile, goes to those brave souls who ensure that sickening crimes such as the psychopathic and sadistic passing on of speeding points receive the maximum possible coverage and that the public never risks being distracted by minor, frivolous issues such as the collapse of the world economy, the resistance of lethal bacteria to antibiotics or the destruction of the planet.
David Silverman

The Robert Mugabe Award for Services to Benevolent Autocracy – nominations for this prize should have a proven track record of looking after the interests of the presidency or the offices of state, in the teeth of opposition, and despite the efforts of outside agencies and governments to destabilise the his or her commitment to reform and moral absoluteness: all this to impose logic on one’s charges. Having no interest in monetary value and an instinct for the corruption of previous regimes will also impress the judges, as will an ability to be selective about the tenets of faith, choosing only precepts that are effective. A developed sense of irony or humour would be a disadvantage.
The winner will have a clear, dynamic and unsentimental approach to maintaining power. He or she will have selected the best possible security and most loyal aides, knowing that the country will sink or swim without strong leadership.
Bill Greenwell

The Tony Blair Award for Self-Righteous Mass Murder – we’re not looking for those responsible for mere wanton destruction or mindless violence. We seek to reward those adventurers who, like the Spanish conquistadores in Central and South America, had a rationale for the “necessary” brutality of their visitation upon the natives of “foreign parts”; who believed in the “sacredness” of their mission, in the holiness of their bloodthirsty undertaking; who, if you were to interview them today, would neither apologise nor accept that they would do things differently and insist that they had no choice and that, if “we” didn’t get “them” first, they would get us.
We are looking for those who would argue that theirs was a war of self-defence; that you were either for them or against them; that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, their adventure has achieved long-term good; and that their country is now safer.
Ronnie Landau

The George Osborne Award for Screwing the Poor is based on the Christian message of the Gospels. Matthew 25:29 teaches us that: “For unto every one that hath shall be given and he shall have abundance; but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.”
Our winning criteria draw from the parable of the talents. One talent is the ability to cultivate the “haves”, risking your life on yachts, while persecuting the “have nots”. Creative accountancy in such areas as “house-flipping” is another. Above all, we are looking for the ability to show those of other classes how to improve their lot in life. Osborne once folded towels at Selfridges. Now, his followers fold £50 notes and burn them in front of beggars as an inspiration to self-improvement. Ignoring awkward facts is another key principle (summed up as “AA1 is A1”). Candidates should believe in their lucky stars: Osborne has gone from towels to the Howells.
Barry Baldwin

The Stephen Hawking Award for Persistence in the Face of Adversity – candidates will be those to whom life has given a raw deal but whose skills and determination to succeed have carried them through to the heights of success.
Katie Mallett

[John Whitworth]

These are pretty poor statements of the bleeding obvious. Of course I can say that, not having entered.

[Chris O'Carroll]

I, on the other hand, did enter, and my failure to win big with the Joseph Ratzinger Award for Delegation of Responsibility naturally persuades me that the judges were impaired in some way. But I think David Silverman and Bill Greenwell both display what Bill's winning entry calls "A developed sense of irony or humour." The Blair and Osborne winners may be guilty as charged of John's "bleeding obvious"-ness. And the Hawking winner has a touching, warmhearted sincerity that seems entirely out of place here.

[Peter Goulding]

I think my "Jeffrey Archer Award for being a Complete Knob-head" may also have strayed into the area of the bleedin' obvious and also possibly lacked the necessary subtlety to garner a mention.

[John Whitworth]

I think it is the competition itself that is at fault. It is very difficult not to stray into the territory of the bleeding obvious. Burn Mr (or Ms) Seery!

[Adrian Fry]

I don't want to take any credit away from the winners, but I am getting a bit tired of satires on Blair. He has become an all too usual suspect in NS comps. My own Alan Yentob Award for Misappropriation of Limelight was at least novel, if not any good.

[Roger Slater]

Is the Hawking prize supposed to be funny? I don't get it. It seems plausible and respectful. Where's the joke?

[Brian Allgar]

Roger, there is no rule that says that entries have to be funny. Actually, I often find some of the "funny" entries anything but (though that is usually because the competition itself was a boring one), so it's quite refreshing to come across one that at least didn't miss its target.

And congratulations to Bill for having managed to get something amusing out of an intractable subject.

[John Whitworth]

Seconded. I was wrong to corral Bill n with the rest.