Speccie Competition Johnsonian
Bill Greenwell and Max Ross did well for us. The rest of us were insufficiently Johnsonian.
In Competition No. 2790 you were invited to take inspiration from Samuel Johnson’s A Dictionary of the English Language of 1755 and come up with some suitable Johnsonian definitions for modern times.
Thanks to Michael Williamson from Australia, who suggested that I invite competitors to put themselves in the Good Doctor’s shoes and imagine how he might have responded to our 21st-century world.
It is a tall order indeed to follow in the footsteps of such a towering figure. His elegant definitions, which often resemble mini exercises in moral instruction, are shot through with his defiantly un-PC prejudices, yet leavened with wit and utterly without sanctimony. Opera is defined as an ‘exotic and irrational entertainment’; Oats are ‘a grain which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people’.
These are the Johnsonian hallmarks that I was after. The prizewinners, printed below, are rewarded with £7 per definition.
Twitter (n.): noise, as from the smallest birds, communicating their discovery of scraps or chaff blown on the wind
website (n.): a trap for the unwary, as the spider weaves nets to catch flies
iPad (n.): an unreal space in which the whole of one’s earthly life is lived, a talisman representing the delusions of hope over experience
D.A. Prince
politician: an ambitious person with an exalted sense of worth and possessed of a thick skin; a rhinoceros in sheep’s clothing
tax: a financial imposition borne by people who cannot afford advice on avoiding it
weather: a conversational resource for the unimaginative
Derek Morgan
gastropub: a hostelry where elaborated meals are served alongside alcoholic beverages; a tavern spoiled
credit card: a token used in place of cash; it gives the acquisition of debt the illusion of payment
celebrity: fame without worth
W.J. Webster
reality TV: a contrived and unseemly series of humiliation rituals presented via television as a voyeuristic spectacle in which participants are bribed to perform various childish and disgusting scenarios. The people’s choice
capitalism: the natural order as divinely ordained. A system of brutal exploitation. The favourite ideology of most politicians. An unworkable contradiction. A never-ending piece of grand guignol
rock and roll (commonly ‘rock’n’roll’): a dionysiac cult and Midas industry beyond decency and sanity. But I like it
G.M. Davies
gastropub: an alehouse that has pretensions as to the quality of its customers
blogger: a publisher whose reputation as a writer is no impediment to the circulation of his words
Bill Greenwell
budget (n.): individual’s plan to save and avoid claiming benefits; government’s plan to take money from individuals and refuse benefit claims
Charles Curran
oxymoron: the juxtaposition of two words normally bearing the opposite sense. Exempli Gratia, an honest politician
Barry Baldwin
ATM: a device set like a memorial slab in a wall, where one may insert into its surrogate mouth a plastick promissory note of no intrinsic worth, and if circumstances be propitious, receive from its nether aperture paper promissory notes of no intrinsic worth, drawn upon a bank whose resources were squandered by scoundrelly defaulters in the American Colonies, and which are guaranteed by a Treasury whose gold was squandered by scoundrelly politicians
Facebook: vile misnomer, being neither a face nor a book, but an electronickal medium whereby faceless initiates such as never had nor ever would read a real book, convey uninteresting personal details to the uninterested
Brian Murdoch
football: a type of religious movement in which the Greek and Roman pantheon is replaced by deities who act human but live divinely
human rights legislation: a quick method used by lawyers for making extensive home improvements
Max Ross
Liberal-Democrat (n.): a hyphenated dissembler, a purveyor of pernicious policies, formerly called a Whig
Peter Skelly
first-class post: a most vexatious falsehood promulgated by Her Majesty’s Royal Mail
Sid Field
economist: a court jester without cap and bells who makes unfunny jokes and predictions about prices, wages, interest rates, jobs and wealth losses and creation, whose sole interest is the disparity between predicted and actual outcomes
J. Seery
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