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  #1  
Unread 07-07-2019, 06:23 PM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Default Moonlight

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xxiiWinter Full Moon

You are the Valentine of my

ear. There is no other

time than when

we walked in

the shining

streeets of space,

and far away came

finer than candlelight, your

.....soft soprano.

xxxxx


Recent changes

Title was “Radar Bounce”
L1 is “Valentine of”, was “apple for”
LL1-2 was “solace of my / ear”
L2 is “ear”, was “eye”
L5 is “shining”, was “Persian”
L6 is “streets”, was “light”
L8 is "finer", was "lovelier", was "clearer"; is “candlelight”, was “whispering cities”, was "Yeats's Innisfree", was "Innisfree", was “candlelight”, was “whistling Dixie”
L9 is “soprano”, was “piano”


Previous version

xxixxxHalf Moon

You are the object of my

eye. There is no other

time than when

we walked in

the Persian

light of space,

and far away came

clearer than echoes, your

xxxxsoft piano.

xxxxxx

Last edited by Allen Tice; Today at 11:17 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 07-08-2019, 05:16 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Default

x
Yet another Picasso. A piano, a lover, a memory, a shape, a sense space and sound -- all placed on soft angles on the page.

A very delicate piece. This middle segment...

There is no other time
than when we
walked in
the Persian
light of space,


...could stand alone, IMO, complete with a comma ending.

And this could, too...

You are the object of my ear
and far away came clearer
xxxxxxxthan whispering dixie, your
xx soft piano.

But I like it best all together like a small concerto.

It is a pleasure to read. No nothing needs nixing.
x
x

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 07-08-2019 at 05:18 AM.
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  #3  
Unread 07-08-2019, 07:52 AM
Jake Sheff Jake Sheff is offline
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Allen,

I find this a delightful little song.

The first line welcomes the reader to read object as material thing or aim. Lovely.

I believe dixie should be Dixie (capitalized)? As in "you ain't just whistlin' Dixie!" (I appreciate your swap: whispering for whistlin' -- familiar and unfamiliar!).

Gosh, everything about this is so strong sensual and effective -- and I am not one to say "sensual" about almost anything. But this has the hypnotic charm of "So we'll go no more a-roving," I think. Same kind of quality-effect.

It invites the reader to count syllables, IMO; poses on the page like a Moore poem.

It's a haunting little poem, somehow jars and soothes at the same time...lulling. Somebody in the past something about the lulling effective of a poem hitting its mark -- Housman? I'd agree -- for me, this is like music, removing me from me and triggering some dream mechanism or on-switch.

Jake
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Unread 07-08-2019, 10:04 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Jim and Jeff, I’m not sure I’m ready for your lyrical praise of this. Thank you just the same. It’s been around a while. I’ve known several people named “Dixie,” one of whom (a lovely young blonde schoolmate) was embarrassed by warty boys who too often serenaded her with the song. I want to keep the word in lower case to hold its mystery. Other metrical substitutions, such as “Steamboat Willie” from the early Disney cartoon, just don’t take the top of the readers’s head off. I think this does, especially in lower case. The present title (“Radar Bounce”) reflects my tendency to conceptualize technologically, which doesn’t endure. I’m thinking of “Half Moon” among others. I like to play games with word substitutions in poems: like “Denver” for “Delphi”; “California” for “Cephalonia”.

What’s better, “Half Moon”, “California Moon”, “Argostoli Moon”, “Allegheny Moon”, or just leave it as it is?

Thanks again.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 07-08-2019 at 11:11 AM. Reason: ‘Stoli, a town with a sea-level waterwheel!
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Unread 07-08-2019, 02:44 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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New title.
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  #6  
Unread 07-08-2019, 10:47 PM
Lee Meadow Lee Meadow is offline
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A softly written piece with apparently little to hang one's hat on in terms of details - a person walks in a garden and hears a piano playing softly in the distance. The piano creates desire in him, and/or he knows the piano player whom he desires. Or he just likes the music. All very suitably vague for the reader insert their own interpretation. At this point no nitpicks with regard the poetic skill of the piece.

However capitalized or not Dixie has very specific connotations which give a whole other sub-text to this poem which may or may not be intended.

When you look at the poem through Dixie coloured glasses, you see a person longing for or desiring the 'paradise' ( pairidaeza in Persian which is the word for garden) evoked by a piano rendition of the song - played softly - perhaps because the player knows that it has an unwelcome meaning? And I just can't ignore that this is a possible interpretation of the poem.

If the connections are unintentional then you might want to reconsider the use of Dixie / dixie as it does carry a huge loaded weight of meaning.
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Unread 07-09-2019, 09:46 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Dear L., it’s apparent that people will not read the wording “clearer / than”, but instead react as if it read “clear / AS”. If a substitution were made instead for “yankee doodle” (the shortwave tuning signal song for the Voice of America), I will directly be accused by some partisans of being anti-American. Perhaps in South Africa you can find the radio VOA if you have a receiver. Were I to explain my altruistic teaching experience in a USA state that was part of the former American Confederacy, the little poem would sink under the shackles. I’m looking for a suitable background that will contrast against the piano.

The Persian etymology is correct. Now that Iran is ugly, will I need a pretty word for something ineffable? Everything is in the eye and ear of the beholder. I don’t mean to include you, but I suppose that reading subtlety is too much to expect these days. It’s as bad or much worse than imperial China when even mentioning a topic could bring punishment: the topic does Not, and never did, exist.

You did prompt some thoughts that I will try in the poem after I finish this.

I am not angry with you. Thanks.

A
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Unread 07-09-2019, 10:36 AM
Lee Meadow Lee Meadow is offline
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Hi Allen,

Unfortunately some words come with such a heavy weight of meaning and history that it is virtually impossible to use them without evoking a strong response. Whether that response is for or against is dependent on the POV of the reader, but you are not going to escape the burden the words themselves carry.

Lee.
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Unread 07-09-2019, 11:01 AM
Ashley Bowen Ashley Bowen is offline
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Hi, Allen,

I'm not sure that I'm getting this poem. The title is "Half Moon" but do you mean "half-moon" or "half of a moon"?

I didn't understand the moon (or half of it) being the object of the speaker's ear.

Ultimately--and I don't intend to sound harsh--this poem reads like a translation of a poem where the translator didn't know either language very well.

Maybe another pass will right the ship.

A.B.
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Unread 07-09-2019, 12:58 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Lee, I hope the change away to "bumblebees" has helped. Perhaps you replied before seeing that. It might work for me. I'd like something else. You will rightly infer from my previous post that I'm terrifically aware (don't ask) of the "dixie" overtones. I had hoped that the adversative "clearer / than" would carry the day, but clearly you felt that it didn't. Since I want to make this into something that can mean good things to people besides me, I must respect vox populi...

Ashley, you've hit on a troubling spot for me. I originally had the cliche "apple of my eye" for "object of my ear", and will partly restore it now. I mean the semi-circle moon of the first and last "quarter" phases between a full moon a new moon. I have been a short-wave radio enthusiast. Some people have bounced radio waves off the moon.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 07-09-2019 at 01:02 PM.
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