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03-03-2014, 07:28 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Belfast, Maine
Posts: 1,306
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Mud season blues
Northern byways less traveled,
Though graded and graveled,
And solid the rest of the year;
In the spring become monsters I fear.
With the equinox vernal,
Conditions infernal
Create a slow boil in my blood;
It's the boreal season of mud.
Moose sink to their bellies,
And I'll lose my Wellies
When the roads are a glutinous flood
Of seemingly bottomless mud.
Should I ever expire
As I trudge through the mire,
I’ve come to the end of my luck;
Just let me sink under the muck.
Last edited by Douglas G. Brown; 03-05-2014 at 06:54 PM.
Reason: A few metrical fixes
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03-04-2014, 06:12 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Paris, France
Posts: 5,391
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Oooh, Rob, that's nasty! It has jogged my memory into a bit of attempted recycling.
Little Roast Lamb
Little Lamb, who took thee?
Know’st thou who did cook thee?
Who it was, one Springtime day
As thou gambolled at thy play,
Sheared thy fleece, and all thy flock’s,
For to knit them woolly socks;
Took thy flesh to slake their greed
(Sunday lunch, and ten to feed);
Honed the knife, thy throat to slit,
Roasted thee upon the spit;
Chopped the mint to make the sauce
Garnishing thy tender corse?
Didst thou find it rather odd?
Here’s a clue: it wasn’t God.
Little Lamb, who did thee take?
Canst thou guess? 'Twas William Blake.
Last edited by Brian Allgar; 03-07-2014 at 04:26 AM.
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03-04-2014, 07:40 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
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Goodness, Rob and Brian, cutting stuff, pitch-black Where are the songs of spring. Jug, jug . . . jugular . . .
Last edited by Jerome Betts; 01-31-2017 at 03:16 PM.
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03-04-2014, 09:07 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 16,476
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Spring Fever
As cherry blossoms fill the trees
and rustle in the vernal breeze
I learn that I have allergies
that make me gasp, turn blue, and wheeze.
All winter long I cursed the snow
and wished it gone. I did not know,
when spring made sticky blossoms grow,
I'd choke and miss the winter so.
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03-04-2014, 01:16 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
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Withdrawn for tinkering
Last edited by Jerome Betts; 10-12-2016 at 11:24 AM.
Reason: Spacing, tweaks, punctuation..
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03-04-2014, 06:15 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Fife
Posts: 729
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Much cleverness and skill evinced, above.
I feel like going off at a less-literal tangent...
Revision#2
Returned from lonely wanderings,
I need to rest: to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my limbs,
As daffodils I contemplate…
Ah, couch where I so oft recline!
One Dorothy and I now own -
An ancient heirloom of our line
That with the years threadbare has grown -
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well,
With horsehair cushioning one’s end,
Thus softly sounding most aches’ knell!
Thus over-confident - accursed! -
Unwarily I settle. But -
Rude fact! - unseen, one spring has burst
Its bonds... and sharply meets my scut.
Revision#1
Returned from wandering, I claim
A need for rest, to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my frame
As daffodils I contemplate…
'Ah, couch where I so oft recline!'
(Which Dorothy and I now own:
An ancient heirloom of our line,
That has with the years threadbare grown;
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well;
With horsehair cushioning one’s end -
A softness that sounds most aches’ knell!)
Thus over-confident - accursed! -
Unwarily I settle. But -
Rude fact! - beneath, one spring has burst
Its bonds... and sharply meets my scut.
Original
Returned from wandering, I find
Need for some pose to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my mind,
As daffodils I contemplate…
So for the couch I swift repine
That Dorothy and I now own:
An ancient heirloom of our line,
That with the years threadbare has grown;
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well,
With horsehair cushioning one’s end -
A softness that sounds most aches’ knell.
Thus over-confident - accurst! -
Unwarily I drop down. Jut!
Rude fact! - Inside, one spring has burst
Its bounds, and sharply greets my scut.
In L14 instead of 'Jut!' I could have 'But -', or I could keep 'Jut!' and replace L16 'scut' with 'butt' (the word I first thought of).
I opted for the rabbit's tail as more tactfully metaphorical, and maybe apt to Wordsworth's pastoral mindscape;
'butt' seemed too modern and crude. Or would jarring mismatch be a plus here?
Also,
I wondered whether L13 'accurst' was too archly archaic. I do want to avoid 'accursed' being read as 'accursèd'.
Opinions, anyone? Please!
Last edited by Graham King; 03-08-2014 at 12:26 PM.
Reason: Further revision following further comments received
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03-05-2014, 05:19 AM
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Member
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
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Nice twist on 'spring', Graham. Not 'butt', I think. Clashes, as you say, with 'Wordsworthian' register of the rest.
Maybe . . . 'That threadbare with the years has grown' or ' That with the years has threadbare grown' ?
Don't understand 'swift repine'. Maybe break after points of suspension and resume 'Ah, couch where I so oft recline' ?
I dont think anyone would read 'accursed' as 'accursED'; the metrical pattern should take care of it. Don't know which spelling W.W. himself used. Might be checkable.
I would prefer 'But' to the odd 'Jut!'
Viz,' But -
Rude fact! - inside, one spring has burst . . .'
Hope this is of help.
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03-05-2014, 05:27 AM
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Member
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Fife
Posts: 729
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Thanks for your help, Jerome!
Oddly I hadn't thought of 'recline'...
By 'swift repine' I meant 'swiftly yearn', but I see it is clumsy and obscure. Also repine seems to imply yearning that goes unsatisfied; often, but not exclusively, unrequited love. Here, true, the poet's yearning for comfort goes rudely unmet, but it doesn't suit to foreshadow that.
Last edited by Graham King; 03-05-2014 at 05:41 AM.
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03-05-2014, 07:26 AM
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Member
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
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I think Lines 8 and 12 are still a bit off
L8 Either original That with the years threadbare has grown
or two previous suggestions.
You don't need the single quotes round Ah, . . . recline!
Maybe start bracketed section with This instead of Which?
Adjustments for Lines 12 and 13?
With horsehair pads to please one's end
A softness sounding most aches' knell
I usually do points of suspension like this . . . rather than ... which might be taken as full stops in inadvertent triplicate. But I could be wrong.
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03-05-2014, 01:26 PM
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Member
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
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Withdrawn for recycling
Last edited by Jerome Betts; 01-31-2017 at 03:18 PM.
Reason: Tweak
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