Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 03-03-2014, 07:28 PM
Douglas G. Brown's Avatar
Douglas G. Brown Douglas G. Brown is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Belfast, Maine
Posts: 1,306
Default Mud season blues

Northern byways less traveled,
Though graded and graveled,
And solid the rest of the year;
In the spring become monsters I fear.

With the equinox vernal,
Conditions infernal
Create a slow boil in my blood;
It's the boreal season of mud.

Moose sink to their bellies,
And I'll lose my Wellies
When the roads are a glutinous flood
Of seemingly bottomless mud.

Should I ever expire
As I trudge through the mire,
I’ve come to the end of my luck;
Just let me sink under the muck.

Last edited by Douglas G. Brown; 03-05-2014 at 06:54 PM. Reason: A few metrical fixes
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 03-04-2014, 06:12 AM
Brian Allgar Brian Allgar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Paris, France
Posts: 5,391
Default

Oooh, Rob, that's nasty! It has jogged my memory into a bit of attempted recycling.

Little Roast Lamb

Little Lamb, who took thee?
Know’st thou who did cook thee?
Who it was, one Springtime day
As thou gambolled at thy play,
Sheared thy fleece, and all thy flock’s,
For to knit them woolly socks;
Took thy flesh to slake their greed
(Sunday lunch, and ten to feed);
Honed the knife, thy throat to slit,
Roasted thee upon the spit;
Chopped the mint to make the sauce
Garnishing thy tender corse?
Didst thou find it rather odd?
Here’s a clue: it wasn’t God.
Little Lamb, who did thee take?
Canst thou guess? 'Twas William Blake.

Last edited by Brian Allgar; 03-07-2014 at 04:26 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 03-04-2014, 07:40 AM
Jerome Betts Jerome Betts is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
Default

Goodness, Rob and Brian, cutting stuff, pitch-black Where are the songs of spring. Jug, jug . . . jugular . . .

Last edited by Jerome Betts; 01-31-2017 at 03:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 03-04-2014, 09:07 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 16,476
Default

Spring Fever

As cherry blossoms fill the trees
and rustle in the vernal breeze
I learn that I have allergies
that make me gasp, turn blue, and wheeze.

All winter long I cursed the snow
and wished it gone. I did not know,
when spring made sticky blossoms grow,
I'd choke and miss the winter so.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 03-04-2014, 01:16 PM
Jerome Betts Jerome Betts is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
Default

Withdrawn for tinkering

Last edited by Jerome Betts; 10-12-2016 at 11:24 AM. Reason: Spacing, tweaks, punctuation..
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 03-04-2014, 06:15 PM
Graham King Graham King is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Fife
Posts: 729
Default

Much cleverness and skill evinced, above.
I feel like going off at a less-literal tangent...


Revision#2
Returned from lonely wanderings,
I need to rest: to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my limbs,
As daffodils I contemplate…
Ah, couch where I so oft recline!
One Dorothy and I now own -
An ancient heirloom of our line
That with the years threadbare has grown -
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well,
With horsehair cushioning one’s end,
Thus softly sounding most aches’ knell!
Thus over-confident - accursed! -
Unwarily I settle. But -
Rude fact! - unseen, one spring has burst
Its bonds... and sharply meets my scut.


Revision#1

Returned from wandering, I claim
A need for rest, to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my frame
As daffodils I contemplate…
'Ah, couch where I so oft recline!'
(Which Dorothy and I now own:
An ancient heirloom of our line,
That has with the years threadbare grown;
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well;
With horsehair cushioning one’s end -
A softness that sounds most aches’ knell!)
Thus over-confident - accursed! -
Unwarily I settle. But -
Rude fact! - beneath, one spring has burst
Its bonds... and sharply meets my scut.


Original
Returned from wandering, I find
Need for some pose to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my mind,
As daffodils I contemplate…
So for the couch I swift repine
That Dorothy and I now own:
An ancient heirloom of our line,
That with the years threadbare has grown;
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well,
With horsehair cushioning one’s end -
A softness that sounds most aches’ knell.
Thus over-confident - accurst! -
Unwarily I drop down. Jut!
Rude fact! - Inside, one spring has burst
Its bounds, and sharply greets my scut.

In L14 instead of 'Jut!' I could have 'But -', or I could keep 'Jut!' and replace L16 'scut' with 'butt' (the word I first thought of).
I opted for the rabbit's tail as more tactfully metaphorical, and maybe apt to Wordsworth's pastoral mindscape;
'butt' seemed too modern and crude. Or would jarring mismatch be a plus here?
Also,
I wondered whether L13 'accurst' was too archly archaic. I do want to avoid 'accursed' being read as 'accursèd'.

Opinions, anyone? Please!

Last edited by Graham King; 03-08-2014 at 12:26 PM. Reason: Further revision following further comments received
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 03-05-2014, 05:19 AM
Jerome Betts Jerome Betts is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
Default

Nice twist on 'spring', Graham. Not 'butt', I think. Clashes, as you say, with 'Wordsworthian' register of the rest.

Maybe . . . 'That threadbare with the years has grown' or ' That with the years has threadbare grown' ?

Don't understand 'swift repine'. Maybe break after points of suspension and resume 'Ah, couch where I so oft recline' ?

I dont think anyone would read 'accursed' as 'accursED'; the metrical pattern should take care of it. Don't know which spelling W.W. himself used. Might be checkable.

I would prefer 'But' to the odd 'Jut!'
Viz,' But -
Rude fact! - inside, one spring has burst . . .'

Hope this is of help.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 03-05-2014, 05:27 AM
Graham King Graham King is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Fife
Posts: 729
Default

Thanks for your help, Jerome!
Oddly I hadn't thought of 'recline'...
By 'swift repine' I meant 'swiftly yearn', but I see it is clumsy and obscure. Also repine seems to imply yearning that goes unsatisfied; often, but not exclusively, unrequited love. Here, true, the poet's yearning for comfort goes rudely unmet, but it doesn't suit to foreshadow that.

Last edited by Graham King; 03-05-2014 at 05:41 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Unread 03-05-2014, 07:26 AM
Jerome Betts Jerome Betts is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
Default

I think Lines 8 and 12 are still a bit off

L8 Either original That with the years threadbare has grown
or two previous suggestions.

You don't need the single quotes round Ah, . . . recline!

Maybe start bracketed section with This instead of Which?

Adjustments for Lines 12 and 13?

With horsehair pads to please one's end
A softness sounding most aches' knell


I usually do points of suspension like this . . . rather than ... which might be taken as full stops in inadvertent triplicate. But I could be wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Unread 03-05-2014, 01:26 PM
Jerome Betts Jerome Betts is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Devon England
Posts: 1,708
Default

Withdrawn for recycling

Last edited by Jerome Betts; 01-31-2017 at 03:18 PM. Reason: Tweak
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,399
Total Threads: 21,841
Total Posts: 270,809
There are 1455 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online