Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 09-30-2019, 09:19 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Maryland, U.S.A.
Posts: 90
Default Deep Red

Deep Red

Wheeling leaves
Sift the wind through them,
Whirlybird circles,
Glittering quince.

In calm, crimpled reaches
The roosted look down,
Out upon their uncollated
Wilderness.

Those of the persuasion
To climb the sweet slope of the sky
Merely unclasp
And rise like song itself, an upward splash.

The lush rustling among their own
Falls quiet in reply.
Silence grows,
Earth’s grenadine harmonics fructify.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 10-01-2019, 10:33 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,914
Default

I’m hearing this as free verse, solid and crafted free verse for sure, but not “metrical.” Not that I’d change that--the poem has found its form, and it works.

I like the rich, sensuous restraint in this, its choice diction and its slantwise look at the change of season. Some points to consider:

S3L2, I would cut “the” before sky. “sweet slope of sky” has a more ascendant rhythm.

In the next line, do you need “itself”? It seems redundant to me.

In the last stanza, the second line, I would consider options to “Falls.” It’s synonymous with the season’s name, which is a distraction. “Goes” would add an internal rhyme which breaks the mood, but alternatives for “Fall quiet” (which is a bit nondescript anyway) must be out there, beyond my early-morning brain.

I am not really getting “The lush rustling among their own”? The birds’ own? Rustling often refers to leaves, so the line feels somewhat out of focus.

The last line is wonderful.

Much enjoyed,

Andrew
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 10-02-2019, 05:03 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,845
Default

Hi Anka,

Yes, I like it, and I like Andrew's comments. I've decided my best way to comment is to copy the whole poem and put it here stanza by stanza with comments after. I think I can get better into its mechanics that way.

Wheeling leaves
Sift the wind through them,
Whirlybird circles,
Glittering quince.

I quite like your alliteration. Whirlybird feels a bit childlike, but after all, why not? That is an appropriate state in which to contemplate leaves. It bumps up oddly against quince, not a childlike word for me, but that may be OK. I don't see leaves as glittering though I like the sound. I'd change the comma after them to an em dash or colon, I think.

In calm, crimpled reaches
The roosted look down,
Out upon their uncollated
Wilderness.

I'm not sure how the reaches are crimpled. I'm not seeing it yet. After the comma in "out upon," I'm unsure whether that's where the roosted are, or where they're looking. I think the word out lends itself to that ambiguity, FWIW. Uncollated is rather nice if it's the leaves of the trees you're describing, as I assume it is. I've never seen that before.

Those of the persuasion
To climb the sweet slope of the sky
Merely unclasp
And rise like song itself, an upward splash.

Yeah, I'd lose a the in L2 here. It's too long. I think I'd prefer lift to rise, somehow "rise like song itself" doesn't quite work for me whereas I feel like "lift like song" might. Possibly it's the alliteration? I do like this meandering sentence/stanza.

The lush rustling among their own
Falls quiet in reply.
Silence grows,
Earth’s grenadine harmonics fructify.

"among their own" seems unmoored to me, I'm unsure what's going on. Maybe i want a noun after "own"? Or a noun instead. I guess own functions as a noun there. If these are other birds, I'm unsure why the lush rustling would fall quiet just because some lift into air. That's not my experience. Silence grows seems all well and good - I've seen the idea before - but I'm unconvinced silence ever actually does that. Either it's silent or it's not silent. So it's not my favorite English cliche. Maybe swells would trip me up less, but I'm unsure. OTOH, I too very much like your last line. Grenadine in particular is a great word. I quite like that you've got a rhyme here to close.
OK, that's about where I'm at. Because it's short and chiseled, it seems to invite a particularly close reading. I think the title's fine - not one that would ever occur to me, but that may be a good thing! And yes, I do like the poem. Also not one I'd ever write, but that's part of the beauty of it.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 10-02-2019, 05:22 AM
E. Shaun Russell E. Shaun Russell is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 2,008
Default

I agree that this isn't so much metrical as sprung rhythm, so I've moved it to non-met.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 10-02-2019, 11:01 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 2,208
Default

x
For me, this paints (as it should) a landscape that is moving, relenting to the forces of nature. Yet the line and stanza structure inhibit that movement, IMO.

I wonder if you need the stanzas. There is a singularity to it all that the stanzas feel like they are partitioning rather than unifying it. Perhaps you could experiment with a solid block and even staggering lines to give it some echo of movement, like this:

Wheeling leaves
xxxSift the wind through them,
Whirlybird circles,
xxxxxGlittering quince.
In calm, crimpled reaches
xxxThe roosted look down,
Out upon their uncollated
xxxxxWilderness.
Those of the persuasion
xxxTo climb the sweet slope of the sky
Merely unclasp
xxxxxAnd rise like song itself, an upward splash.
The lush rustling among their own
xxxFalls quiet in reply.
Silence grows,
xxxxxEarth’s grenadine harmonics fructify.



Like Andrew, I too can't figure out what is rustling in S4L. I like, too, his suggested trimming of "the" and "itself".
Though I don't have a suggestion for what might be better, I think "persuasion" in S3L1 sounds a bit aristocratic.

Hope this gets you thinking.
x
x
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 10-02-2019, 11:10 AM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Maryland, U.S.A.
Posts: 90
Default

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses so far. Yes, this did probably belong here - it wouldn't have fit my own definition of metrical, but it seemed to me at the time to fit the board's. I guess I'll go for this one in the future if there's any doubt - as there probably will be, as much of what I write nowadays toes the line pretty closely.

I'll be back to respond to comments later - got to head out now. I will say, though, that I'm glad that the final line isn't confusing people - or if it is, that's it's not doing it in a problematic way, which was what I was most worried about.

Edit: And I guess I'll add that the way I pictured it was that the birds are initially crowding one another a bit, and so when some leave, the rest become more still.

Last edited by A. Sterling; 10-02-2019 at 11:14 AM. Reason: typo + addendum
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 10-03-2019, 02:37 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Maryland, U.S.A.
Posts: 90
Default

Hi all, and thanks again. Your comments have been very helpful in letting me know what’s coming across and what isn’t. It’s especially interesting in that everyone singled out the parts that I ended up adding later in an attempt to make it easier to follow as unnecessary or distracting and understood the original parts I thought were more out-there regardless.

Andrew, I’m happy to hear the last line worked for you, and am considering all the points you make. I do wonder, though, whether removing the ‘itself’ might make the simile brush up a bit too closely against the more familiar association of birds and song.

John, I was hoping for a suggestion of frost with the ‘glittering’. Maybe, in the course of revision, I’ll find a way to bring that out a little more.

Yes, why not ‘whirlybird’? I was interested to learn, via Google search, that the proper name is ‘samara,’ a word I had never heard before – and also that for many people, they’re one of those everyday things for which they have no word. And, yes, I do think an em-dash is called for. I believe it actually had one there at one point.

I was anticipating people would be having trouble with harmonics fructifying rather than silence growing – but I’d prefer to keep that one there for the sake of the antithesis.

Jim, I like your idea of arranging it as one unified block. I really don’t think this has a better reason to be in stanzas than that I’m used to writing them. Doing it that way would also make it easier to elaborate on the details that aren’t clear as it is now – at least in theory.

I guess what I was going for with ‘persuasion’ – and this is proofreader-me coming in after poet-me to decide what stays and what goes, so it really is a guess—is an impression of ease. Also, I feel like it's slightly less anthropomorphic than the obvious alternatives.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Unread 10-03-2019, 02:48 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: *
Posts: 1,754
Default

Not a poem I'd write either, but lovely. Not sure I'd interrupt the first stanza with the second line. A pleasure to read.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Unread 10-07-2019, 06:43 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Maryland, U.S.A.
Posts: 90
Default

Hi James,

Thanks! I’m not sure what you mean by interrupt, though. I'm not quite seeing it….
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Unread 10-09-2019, 12:44 PM
Mary Meriam's Avatar
Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: usa
Posts: 7,243
Default

So beautiful, A! The music of your words, however, crashed and clanged in my ear with "fructify." Sounds like the f-word almost. Also, the last line seems a bit overloaded with multi-syllabic words. It might be stronger to just say "fly."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,007
Total Threads: 19,843
Total Posts: 253,790
There are 245 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online