Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 07-18-2020, 06:39 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,391
Default The Scene

The Scene

It’s me there desperate at the intersection
blubbering,”Sweetie, no. I’m not a prick,”
and her, my boo, my spiritual connection,
deaf to me in a taxi. Loud on brick,
a green graffito says (I shit you not),
“Uh-oh, you hate me, and I think you’re hot.”

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-18-2020 at 07:06 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 07-18-2020, 07:10 PM
W T Clark W T Clark is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2020
Location: England
Posts: 133
Default

Hello,

I appreciate the darkly comic tone of this. When faced with such a short poem I focus on every single little word, to see if each fits and is needed by the poem. In l1, the "there", I feel is only there to fit the metre. Consider "It's me desperate at the intersection", to me the line loses nothing but metrics, and in fact, if we think of "desperate" as two syllables, then you have just pentameter, so problem solved. I don't like l3 at all. I have a hatred of the phrase "my boo", and "my spiritual connection" (even used in this semi-self-mocking semi-earnest context), comes off as clichéd and not very satisfying. It also jars for me against the strange surrealism of the final couplet.

Hope this helps.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 07-19-2020, 08:45 AM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 4,814
Default

Au contraire, I like L3. And the entirety.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 07-19-2020, 11:56 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: London
Posts: 17
Default

Hello,

I think this verse is working on its own terms. The one thing standing out for me in this short verse is whether "Uh-oh" reads too much like unforgivable metrical filler.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 07-20-2020, 03:46 PM
Tzemach Aryeh Tzemach Aryeh is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Macedonia, OH, USA
Posts: 147
Default

Without L5-6, this little tale has been told a million times. The fundamental question is whether the graffito (and form) offer the reader enough to redeem that much dead weight. For me, it doesn't.

I don't think the usual solution will work for this poem, though; the abstract, impersonal tone suits its humor. Rather, I'm hoping to see more flash and flow in the form and final image.

I think the enjambment of L1 and feminine end rhyme of L1/3 detract from the punchline. I also think a few anapests would help, but the biggest challenge for me is that the meter and rhymes seem a little forced. For example, attractiveness doesn't appear until the final word of the poem, and then is rhymed with a phrase that doesn't really add anything to the poem's message.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 07-20-2020, 04:20 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 4,814
Default

A million times or more. Yes. The interest in this poem is two-fold: its technique, and the light it casts on the narrator. As we know by now, authors don’t exist any more, only texts do, including text narrators. If one has an interest in the putative life of the narrator, however fictional he appears, then this has that secondary interest—unless one doubts that the narrator has any reality—an option, I suppose. Oddly, I was able to verify that the author physically exists, and that his shadow maps very closely onto the poetic shadow cast by the narrator in this poem. It then becomes a question of liking or disliking the narrator or caring about him. Perhaps that might in some small way be a function of narrator’s skill, or even his wits, his history, or “heart”. To return to the matter of technique: every poem is different, and therein lies the friction point. I won’t damn with faint praise. Rather, praise with faint damns (that are very real, since the narrator may be a better person than the author might have been on occasion). This is an ouch poem. Nothing new there, unless it says ouch to its no doubt jaded audience. Does it ouch you? Will the busy narrator find time and gumption to peer at others?

Last edited by Allen Tice; 07-24-2020 at 09:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 07-25-2020, 03:20 PM
Tony Barnstone's Avatar
Tony Barnstone Tony Barnstone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 687
Default

Personally, I liked the poem quite a bit. I thought the contrast between slang and metrical form made for a bit of extra interest and wit, the alliteration and the tone shift from "boo" to "spiritual connection," inverted parallelism of deaf and loud, etc., all added a bit of craft for the reader to enjoy. Small, but fun.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,099
Total Threads: 20,101
Total Posts: 255,742
There are 201 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online