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  #31  
Old 07-17-2017, 02:15 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Riffing off of Mark's idea, if you can tolerate an article, then you could have:

Ice caught it, once,
at a moon's edge
light years away.


I do like the sonics of once/moon's.
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  #32  
Old 07-17-2017, 02:43 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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Most definitions of "lunar" that I've quickly looked at seem to limit the word to "the" moon, not "a" moon, though I would have thought otherwise myself. If you want another word that emphasizes the distance, how about "quasar"?
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  #33  
Old 07-17-2017, 10:24 PM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Well, given all the suggestions, I guess it does bother readers a bit.

I do want to preserve as much of the rhythm of the lines as possible, not rearrange then too much, Mark and Martin.

And the word quasar has little blue resonance for me, Roger.

I think if I simply change at to past, I have solved the problem.

Ice caught it, once
light years away
past lunar edge.


I'll post that as a revision.

Thanks,
Nemo
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  #34  
Old 07-18-2017, 12:23 AM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Nemo,
That revision works nicely for me.

Martin
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  #35  
Old 07-20-2017, 02:14 AM
Siham Karami Siham Karami is offline
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Nemo,

Love this!! I liked it without knowing the color factor, but even more now. Which is because the color ties it all together. It works imo like a Ghazal. Even the "string of pearls" with a feather is very much a metaphor for the ghazal form. So for this to be right at the beginning was meaningful to me. Second, it came across to me as a love poem so I was somehow preferring the time element (light years ago) with the more intimate "moon's edge." Using distance automatically made it less intimate, less of a tension between intimacy remembered and the ache of remembering's distance. The element of time is more blue than space. Or so I feel it, because blue noticeably morphs at dawn and dusk, especially dusk. And I think of those times as times not spaces. The blue sky is a day sky, not a distant sky. Then the moon is one astronomical body that we see both day and night, and the ice is a reflection of day when it turns blue, not night, when it's invisible or reflective of any lights. In current form, everything works. But I still think that original stanza was better... It gave me a touch of the blues, perhaps more than any other stanza. The technical error even made it feel the exaggeration with its abandon as an expression of blues, the sour note careening through the otherwise perfectly normal and correct air. (Ok maybe I exaggerate too.)

As for usage being a mistake, since when does technical accuracy do a poem's entire accounting? As a poet, you can re-tool usage for your higher purposes. The higher purpose being the power or essence of the poem as a whole. But if you're satisfied, I definitely say you are the best to decide and use your own sense. In all cases, a beautiful piece. And the latest revision is fine. In fact when I first read it I saw/felt no problem with it and it too resonated. Until I read the even more loved original. Hope this doesn't leave a blue note.

Fading out,

Siham
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  #36  
Old 07-20-2017, 11:04 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Thanks, Martin.

Ah, Siham, I have filed your blue note. Actually the love poem aspect only appeared in the poem after S6, though I agree it comes to dominate the poem (perhaps because it dramatically changes the structure of the rhythm). Since the moon's edge stanza was intended as primarily a visual phenomenon, I feel that the squint into distance does it justice. Nevertheless, as has been proven by my intransigence countless times on these boards, I am not averse to denying logic, either grammatical or scientific, when it suits my poetic purposes, so I reserve the right to change it in the future...with your blessing, of course.

Nemo
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