Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 02-11-2019, 04:18 PM
Felicity Teague's Avatar
Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Gloucestershire, UK
Posts: 273
Default Another pocket poem

Footprints in the snow

He did not wake but rose from bed as silent as the snow
already piling on the lane and glinting in the glow
of waning moon – beneath the hedge a vixen watched him pass,
not knowing that he slept above the earth and flattened grass.

The morning carer found the prints and tracked him on the lane
then turning through the churchyard gate and all without his cane –
a hundred treads by heavy yews, a dozen, one, no more…
the journey ended at the grave of his dear Elinor.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 02-11-2019, 07:11 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,246
Default

Hi Fliss (if you will excuse my forwardness in calling you that),

The basic premise of this--an old man sleepwalking in the snow to the nearby grave of his wife--seems over-sentimental to me; you just present the short image and leave it to pull our heartstrings.

On a technical level, I find the dropped articles before "bed" and "waning moon" somewhat unnatural and driven by metrical concerns.

There is a grammatical ambiguity in S1L4--did the vixen not know that he slept above the earth and that he flattened grass, or did she not know that he slept above both the earth and the flattened grass?

S2L2 -- again a grammar problem -- is it the carer who is without his cane? and "churchyard gate and all" is awkward at best; "and all" seems like pure metrical filler.

Sorry that I'm not more positive; I hope that these comments are some use, and offer my best wishes,

Martin
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 02-12-2019, 08:06 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,567
Default

Hi Fliss,

I think I like your observation of nature most here, the yews in particular. The theme appeals to me, since it's that of Hugo and of my own recent "Birthday Asters," pretty much - a visit to a grave. "...his dear Elinor" felt a bit Poe-y to me, and in fact your lushness here seemed quite C19th to my ear.
I think "and that" for "and all" might be worth a tryout. :-)

Cheers,
John

PS I do like the idea of pocket poems.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 02-12-2019, 09:06 AM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 1,524
Default

Fliss, I second Martin's concerns. I think there's inherent danger, with the subject, of sentimentality, and to escape it the poem needs to be really taut. Each word needs to bite. But there's a lot of filler here. I'd add to the points that Martin pointed out the entire last line of S1. What does it add to the poem that the vixen doesn't know he's asleep?

You need to find a way to use the space you have (and with the long lines you have a lot) to get the reader invested in this character. How you do that, I don't know, but it's what I think this poem needs.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 02-12-2019, 05:17 PM
Felicity Teague's Avatar
Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Gloucestershire, UK
Posts: 273
Default

Hi John and Aaron,

Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment :-)

Unfortunately I've only just finished work, and now I'm going to bed! But I'll return as soon as the schedule permits this. (The schedule is rather strict at the moment!)

Aaron, you mention 'Martin's concerns', but I can only see comments from you and John, which is a bit puzzling! Well, perhaps that'll sort itself out.

Best wishes,
Fliss
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 02-12-2019, 05:19 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,246
Default

Hi, I have no idea why you can't see my comments; here they are again.

Hi Fliss (if you will excuse my forwardness in calling you that),

The basic premise of this--an old man sleepwalking in the snow to the nearby grave of his wife--seems over-sentimental to me; you just present the short image and leave it to pull our heartstrings.

On a technical level, I find the dropped articles before "bed" and "waning moon" somewhat unnatural and driven by metrical concerns.

There is a grammatical ambiguity in S1L4--did the vixen not know that he slept above the earth and that he flattened grass, or did she not know that he slept above both the earth and the flattened grass?

S2L2 -- again a grammar problem -- is it the carer who is without his cane? and "churchyard gate and all" is awkward at best; "and all" seems like pure metrical filler.

Sorry that I'm not more positive; I hope that these comments are some use, and offer my best wishes,

Martin
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 02-12-2019, 08:01 PM
R. S. Gwynn's Avatar
R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Beaumont, TX
Posts: 4,119
Default

I think we could all do without "silent as the snow." This versing is very old-fashioned and melodramatic. It starts well enough but ends gravely.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Unread 02-13-2019, 02:23 PM
Felicity Teague's Avatar
Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Gloucestershire, UK
Posts: 273
Default

Hi Martin and R. S.,

Since yesterday evening, I've been experiencing visual disturbances due to a menstrual migraine. A few things have been disappearing from view.

For various reasons, I don't see a positive way forwards with this poem on the 'sphere, so I'm happy to let it slide now.

Best wishes,
Fliss
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Unread 02-13-2019, 05:00 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,246
Default

Hi Fliss,
I hope that the migraine is not too painful--my wife suffered them for years, with extreme nausea; it was awful. Get well soon!

Best wishes,
Martin
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,951
Total Threads: 19,302
Total Posts: 247,100
There are 140 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online