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  #11  
Old 05-18-2018, 12:42 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I too am fond of the revision, which removes my doubts (a powerful thing).

Cheers,
John
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  #12  
Old 05-18-2018, 07:24 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, John. Onwards and upwards.

You all, is there anything I need to fix in the current draft? Anything that could be improved?
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  #13  
Old 05-18-2018, 09:05 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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This is excellent, Aaron. I really enjoy the language and imagery. I feel a little dumb, though, since apparently I'm not getting something that John and Martin are getting. When the semi backs up to unload merchandise in S2, I'm thrown off the narrative. S1 seems to portray a parking lot with dumpsters--no store in sight. So I'd expect the semi backing up to have junk on it to throw away, but that doesn't seem to be what you're saying. Or is it?

I might just be slow, but that's my take after a couple of reads.

I love the revisions, especially to the closing lines. One suggestion: add a hyphen to "petrol reek" near the end.

Best,

Andrew
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  #14  
Old 05-18-2018, 09:34 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Andrew, thank you. I will switch "reek" to "stench" to clarify that line.

Thanks for the comments. The setting is big box store that has a large parking lot and a loading bay to which trucks pull up to drop off their loads.

Is there something I could add to the title or the poem to obviate distracting sorts of questions?

A title like: "Livestream: Walmart, King's Canyon & Clovis"?

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 05-18-2018 at 09:36 AM.
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2018, 08:53 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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I have made some further revisions in order to, I hope, further focus the poem and charge up the language.

"Open" has become "ready" to create more of a sense of expectation.

I have raised even higher than "Behold" in the second stanza by going for the archaic/Biblical "Lo."

I have come round to Andrew F.'s opinion and added "Walmart" to the title.

Anybody see anything I can do to make the poem stronger?

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 05-18-2018 at 08:56 PM.
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