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Unread 06-18-2019, 11:07 AM
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Default Daemonic Days

Daemonic Days

Illusions and confusions murk our days,
Upheavals of noises and discordant tones
Of hissing heat for good or merely groans
A sputtering zipping turbulence malaise
And actions swift or grounded in delays,
Chasing texts, tweets to buzzing phones
On palms like organs of the aimless clones
Stumbling, tripping downcast, public displays,
While inept apps of algorithmic order
Ignore that words aren’t solid things in texts,
Tweets and calls but bound chthonian hoarder,
Emotional blobs, history, churning in us—
Concordia Discors, one sometimes recollects,
When Apollonian forms hold Dionysian chaos.

L4: malaise for that stays
L6: phones for smartphones
L11: hoarder for disorder
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Last edited by RCL; 06-19-2019 at 10:16 PM.
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Unread 06-18-2019, 11:36 AM
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I like it better than I should. I feel likewise.
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Unread 06-19-2019, 11:48 AM
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Default Form & Content

Allen,

Thanks for reading and responding positively to my little experiment of form and content. It seems the sentiment and structure are unremarkable otherwise.
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Unread 06-19-2019, 04:02 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Ralph,

I too can relate and likewise appreciate your experiment. I fancy the cascade of images mirrors the overload of stimuli and noise one finds on all sides nowadays. If it were more ambitious, I might desire more of a particular focus for the unpacking, as it were, but that would be a diffrerent poem I reckon.

Cheers,
Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 06-19-2019 at 04:09 PM.
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Unread 06-19-2019, 07:24 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Dude (if I may),

I like this expansive Ralph. My nits are particular because I think the piece works--form and content are happily wedded.

In line 4, "that stays" is there for a forced rhyme.

"smartphones" clunks in line 6. Dude, just say "phones"--the majority are smart now.

I don't think "order" rhymes with "-order." Maybe go for "border" or, even better, "hoarder."

Bless you for the closing couplet,

Aaron
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Unread 06-19-2019, 10:02 PM
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Erik, your approval is most welcome. Iíll noodle about possibly being (even?) more ambitious.

Aaron, my Super Dude! Your appreciation is always a pleasure. Thanks for the suggestions and thumbs-up on the couplet. I was delighted when it arrived. As for being expansive, I hear timeís winged chariot hurrying near.
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Unread 06-19-2019, 10:28 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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I too enjoyed it, Ralph. And I'm still at this late date a holdout on smartphones.

Petrarchan rhyme schemes in contemporary sonnets usually get on my nerves, but the relentless repetition does work well for this. You get the sense of the pressure cooker inside which no one knows yet what is cooking.

The nittiest of nits: wouldn't you need a hyphen in "turbulence malaise"?
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Unread 06-20-2019, 12:38 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Hi Ralph,

I can see this took work to write, but I'm afraid I find the whole thing murky if not impenetrable. I'm glad to see others like it though. You also taught me the verb "to murk," transitive, which I see gets a short entry in the OED. :-)

Cheers,
John
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Unread 06-20-2019, 11:25 AM
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Andrew, Could It Be (Actually Be) That There is Another "Holdout" Besides Me. A sign of unusual intelligence in your case; moi, I make few claims. (Getting a New York City taxicab by waving my arms still works pretty well; plastic or paper still pays the bill in NYC.)
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Unread 06-20-2019, 06:57 PM
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Andrew,

Yes, the Petrarchan is insistently Apollonian! Iím pleased you like it, and thanks for the tip on turbulence-malaise. I wouldnít ordinarily cap each line but did it to emphasize the formality.

Iím still a smartphone holdout, but had a nasty fall and serious car trouble last year, so I have a flip phone with an emergency button. Iíve havenít yet used it for a call or help.

John,

There isnít much to penetrate when itís random chaos of and about language, with an explicit couplet on the duality of language: its surface artifice (accumulated generally and by each user over time) and earthy/wild roots, still vital. Hell, I thought ďmurkĒ was my addition to neologisms. Thanks for reading and the info.

Allen, see above to Andrew re: those smart enough not to have a competing phone.
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