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Unread 05-07-2014, 06:07 AM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Default The Oldie results for ''Vegetable Love''competition

Better late than never. I'm back from the wilds of Yorkshire, where I had no WiFi or phone signal for over a week (yes, really!); it was like being on another planet.
Congratulations to Alison, and to Peter and Bazza (was 'onlie' meant to be 'online', I wondered?) for HMs. I especially thought Penelope Woolley's fun poem was a worthy prize winner

John will not be a happy bunny: someone demanded a comp not in verse, and he got his wish. See new thread for the next competition.

Jayne


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxThe Oldie Competition
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxby Tessa Castro

In competition no. 175 you were invited to write a poem entitled ‘Vegetable Love’. I laughed a lot in reading your entries. ‘Oh fat white woman whom nobody loves,’ wrote Helen Griffiths’s tomato, ‘Why do you work in your garden in gloves?’ Such poetic references were popular. ‘Vaster than empires and more slow?’ asked GM Davis of the onlie vegetable begetter, ‘Good luck with that one Andy. / It sounds heroic, but we know / It only means you’re randy.’ Frank McDonald reworked another Marvellous thought: ‘Yes, humans are active and make lots of sound, / But no one, when buried, comes out of the ground.’ Peter Wyton went beyond a green thought in a green shade, with: ‘surfaces ranging / from silk smooth to motley, colour schemes / charismatically kaleidoscopic, a pendant / assembly reminiscent of lampshade emporiums’. Keith Giles’s memorialisation was perhaps doubly Tennysonian: ‘Tis better to have loved shallots, / Than never to have loved at all.’’
Commiserations to these and congratulations to those below, each of whom wins £25, with the bonus prize of a Chambers Biographical Dictionary going to Alison Prince.

My dear, you are no stringy celery stalk
of brittle length and watery content.
Your thoughts are deep-rooted. Your steady work
creates a knowledge seriously meant,
unlike the frivolous, flower-flourishing French bean
that flirts with every insect, or the pea,
obsessed with pod-filling. Your green
crown is gravely worn, your insight carefully
stored for the time when it is called upon
to yield its value. Never profligate
like the courgette that breeds fast in the sun
or the tomato bending with the weight
of far too many babies, you just hoard
your secret value from the deep, dark earth
and give me this lovely, unearned reward,
dear parsnip, like a winter birth.
Alison Prince

Vera loved her vegetables
Carrots, onions, peas,
Parsnips and potatoes too
And cauliflower cheese,
Beans and kale and cabbage,
Asparagus as well.
A meal devoid of veggies
Was her idea of hell.
Of lettuce and tomatoes
All sorts of salad stuff,
Cucumber and celery
She couldn’t get enough.
Her five a day became fifteen
Gobbled down at speed
The climax of this love affair?
Elopement with a Swede.
Mary Hodges

You know I love your presence
As the dreaded carrot fly
Is put off by the essence
Of your scent when you’re nearby.

And so, my dearest onion,
Although we cannot breed
You’re the one that I’d put money on
To give me what I need.

Now other plants may aid me –
A bean plant feeds the earth,
But alas it tends to shade me
With height, if not with girth.

But you, my lovely allium,
Can foil the one I dread
You calm me more than Valium –
Please come and share my bed.
Katie Mallett

As Chairplant of this year’s Allotment Board,
I have become aware last season’s yield
Was less than forecast. Friends, we can’t afford
To fall behind the others in this field.
Our corporate ethos must prevail. This means
That inter-plant distractions must be set
Aside for gain. Last year the peas and beans
Were seen canoodling on their canes; courgette
And marrow shamelessly entwined; the plot
Of close-knit sweetcorn utilised the breeze
To stroke each other’s silky hair. It’s not
A trend we can allow. Come, friends, and seize
The day of opportunity to reap
Tremendous growth and overtake the rest!
Remember that we have a compost heap
For those who fail. A bonus for the best!
Penelope Woolley
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Unread 05-07-2014, 07:01 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
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"onlie begetter" still works for me.
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