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  #11  
Old 06-13-2018, 09:52 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you very much, Allen.

I have consulted the Oracle of Delphi and am confident in my vatic prognostication. (That, and my Armenian cousin read it in coffee grounds.)
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2018, 10:05 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Aaron, the last -- the very last -- time I did the coffee grounds scry was on Crete, and it was so impressive that my tiny mind concluded that it was a random distribution of kaka that induced a literal self-fulfilling prophecy by way of my virtu. Much better to use controlled techniques, like sortes Want-Ads or paper phone directories. Beware that cup, amigo!
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Old 06-13-2018, 11:14 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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What's better for the last line?

An easterly breeze moves in.

Or

A breeze from the sea moves in.

?
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  #14  
Old 06-13-2018, 06:35 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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"A breeze from the sea moves in" continues the topographic focus, and littorally anchors the scene. "Easterly" allows a more inland feel and is snugger, warmer, which is what I have as my own default California setting. A hard call, sonically and all around, but I'd take the "sea" alternative since it is more concrete.
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  #15  
Old 06-13-2018, 08:49 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Very astute, Allen. I can't decide!
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  #16  
Old 06-13-2018, 11:08 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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The Notorious A.C.P.T. tells you to -- in this case -- chose option "Sea". Or face the consequences!
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Old 06-14-2018, 10:15 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Yeah, Allen. You're right.
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  #18  
Old 06-14-2018, 10:24 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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"When he sets out again, the bird comes, too"

The second comma seems wrong here. Or else it's me that's wrong, but I can't see a reason for its presence.

Here:

Better gods are with him
who had been American

The enjambment had me thinking it was the gods who had been American. I appreciate it comes clear as the sentence progresses. Just flagging it up.

You have typo in your last line: "An sea".

best,
Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 06-14-2018 at 10:27 AM.
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Old 06-14-2018, 10:44 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Matt, thank you. A relative pronoun normally goes with nearest preceding noun “him.” Still, would you prefer this as the ending:

Better gods are with him.
He had been American
but now lacks rage and faction.
A breeze from the sea moves in.

?

Yes, the “bird comes, too” line is an allusion to a famous line by Robert Frost (I packed this poem with Americana): I sha'n't be gone long. -You come too.

I’ll take out the comma before “too.”

Thank you,

Aaron
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  #20  
Old 06-15-2018, 08:19 AM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Hi Aaron,
I was interested in an inquiry into the spiritual side of Calexit, but I think Secession poses the same question. Perhaps unintentionally it broadens the context to include 1861. So maybe Calexit is better, a non-political Calexit. I like the poem and find it engaging but the setting raises niggling questions. What crested scarlet birds are you talking about? What white-breasted eagles? There are incense cedars in Yosemite and I suppose more broadly in the central Sierras, but they are not characteristic of the coastal range, where you might encounter a breeze from the sea. Also no rivers in the coastal range. I raise these questions based on general impressions and you may have a solider basis for these details, but similar questions could occur to others. Maybe check with the poet laureate of California! Was our hiker given to rage and faction ever? I guess he follows the old gods, whom rage and faction have replaced (as in 1861). Bill

Last edited by Bill Carpenter; 06-15-2018 at 08:22 AM.
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