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Old 07-18-2018, 04:51 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,183


Now that’s an illustration of emotional entropy I would be proud of having written. Your N reminds me of my old man in Gratitude.
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Old 07-21-2018, 03:15 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
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The mood of sad acceptance here is almost tangible, Mark.

If you really want this to be metrical I think you could shave "that I" off S2 L2. I prefer to read the whole thing ametrically myself. (Is that even a word? No matter.) But it works well.

I'm not sure what it means to be surrounded by hours.

I'd far rather see

The dawn will break into pieces
soon enough. It always does.

I know that that loses the misdirection in L3 that you currently have, but it still works. And reads better, to me.

But - as I said - it works well.


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