[Susan McLean]

How Unpleasant to Know Mr. Poe

How unpleasant to know Mr. Poe.
It gives a young lady a chill
when, just as she’s saying “hello,”
he asks if she’s lately been ill.

It was mid-afternoon, yet he seemed
to be tipsy or mildly sedated.
How oddly his mournful eyes gleamed
when he heard that we might be related.

He muttered some rhymes for my name,
saying nothing could be more inspiring
for a poet desirous of fame
than the sight of young beauties expiring.

Then he asked if I had a bad cough
or a semi-conversable crow.
I informed him of where to get off.
How unpleasant to know Mr. Poe.

[Martin Elster]

Hi John,

I was wondering about something. What is the best way to send two or more poems to the Speccie or Oldie. Do you have a different pseudonym for each poem, or just one pseudonym for all of them? Or can I use my real name? I was never really certain of the procedure. Should I send each poem from a different e-mail address?

Thanks,
Martin

[John Whitworth]

You can use your real name. I do. You can use a pseudonym. Self-evidently many entrants do. Maud Gracechurch was a boat. You can use as many different pseudonyms as you like. There is a tale that an old competitor who called himself Martin Fagg (hum!) once won ALL the prizes with different pseudonyms. I don't quite believe it but he was a doughty competitor. Did you know that Wendy Cope used to compete - under her own name, but possibly (I don't know) using Jason Strugnell. But if you use a pseudonym you MUST supply the Speccie with your real name and address because otherwise they can't make out the cheque and they don't know where to send it. Same for the Oldie.

[Clive]

How nice to know Mr McGough.
A chap it's a joy to take tea with.
There's blokes who you wish would sod off,
they're so terribly boring to be with

but never our Rog from the 'pool.
His wordplay is witty, his timing
is perfect. He's endlessly cool,
whether freewheeling or rhyming.

His poems can have a crowd giggling.
Next minute, they're hankying tears.
And then, once again, they're all jiggling
with laughter. He's done this for years

and still there's no sign of him flagging,
his verse is still fresh as new bread
at an age when some poets are dragging
their sorry old arses to bed.

So let's raise a glass to dear Roger
To Roger, our trilbies we doff.
Salut to the Merseyside codger.
How nice to know Mr McGough

[Susan McLean]

Fun poem, Clive, but if you want to enter it in the competition, you need to cut it down to 16 lines.

Susan

[Gail White]

Loved the Poe!

Here's one from me:

How odd to know Mr. Rossetti,
to dine at his house in Cheyne Walk,
where a wombat may eat your spaghetti
or a dormouse be found on your fork.

He will often invite you to dinner
and urge you to stay overnight.
He's a good host, this genial sinner,
but don't lend him money, all right?

He'll insist your you look at his pictures
of women with sandy red hair.
He may pop champagne corks at the fixtures
or lie on the sofa and stare.

He has translated verse from Italian.
His hair, growing thin, was once jetty.
He's really a thorough rapscallion --
how odd to know Mr, Rossetti!

[Susan McLean]

Interesting information about Rossetti, Gail. I think you have typos in S3L1 and S4L4.

Susan

[John Whitworth]

Alas, Gail. The place is called 'Chainy' Walk so you will need to do something about the line. Bloody English places names.

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who shrieked every time a man gorcester...

[FOsen]

How pleasant to know of the poet
Who knew suffering and never was wrong
And who wrote so that we, too, would know it,
In stanzas imponderably strong.

How poignant to pick up a ballad
By a wretch who died young or insane
But left, before growing too pallid,
The tome that had teemed from his brain.

One wonders, when reading the love-lorn,
The shut-in, the junkie, the sot,
Or the crank who liked bondage and kid porn,
If such things helped their verses a lot.

But whether or not the words show it,
How lovely to like and not loathe them.
Yes, how pleasant to know each such poet
Or know of, but not, you know, know them.

Frank

[Susan McLean]

Nice satire, Frank. By the way, may I ask the British writers whether they are familiar with the idiom "tell someone where to get off" as a form of sharp rebuff? I know it is common in the U.S., but I don't know if the phrase is used elsewhere. I do know that it is anachronistic to use it in Poe's time, but thought that was part of the fun.

Susan